Things Which Must Stop
Bluetooth technology – more specifically, the assholes who use it.
If you are a responsible driver who uses your Bluetooth headset to take a call while driving to ensure you don’t lose control and cause a multi-car pile-up, keep on keepin’ on.
If you’re the person who has the headset on while driving, never receives a call, gets out of the car and walks around all day with the headset on to give the impression that you’re waiting on an important call – you need to get a life.
Do you think that your refusal to take that hunk of plastic out of your ear will make me respect you more? It’ll make me think you’re important? Sorry to burst the bubble, but it pretty much just makes me think you’re a wanker. It’s like the 2007 equivalent of your tie being thrown over your shoulder and you’re just too busy to put it back in the right place.
What’s more annoying is when you try to communicate with non-Bluetooth-using members of society. You can’t even take it out while you order your skinny soy moccacino latte because any second now that important call might come in. The person who makes your coffee isn’t important enough for you to show them just an ounce of respect by taking that shit out of your ear and actually engaging with them, on a real level, for the 10 seconds it takes to place your pompous order. Your over-inflated sense of self- importance is almost as bad as that of….
Like an eight year old with a Game Boy, you just can’t leave that shit alone. All ability to engage in a normal conversation is lost to the unstoppable desire to give yourself Repetitive Strain Injury using that scrolly thing on the side. Never mind that you might be sitting in front of an actual computer; you’d rather type 40 mistaken words a minute as your fat fingers attempt to navigate the miniature QWERTY keyboard on your Blackberry.
You’ll find any excuse to use it (checking your calendar, scrolling through your address book, googling the name of that tribe that lives in the Amazon rainforest) just so you can pull it out in front of people, in the hope that they’ll think you’re as important as you do.
If you’re a director of a very busy international business, I can let you off for using one of these things. If you’re in high school and you have one, you need to go home and beg your parents to use the belt on you. Being pretentious at any age is wrong, but being pretentious at 16? You’re begging for a beat down.
And people think it’s cute to call it their ‘Crackberry”. Remember the expression ‘crack kills’? Death by Blackberry is not the way you wanna go out. But there is a distinct possibility you could get mowed over by….
People who drive Hummers
If you drive a Hummer, we already know you’re an asshole – you don’t need to paint it bright yellow and throw some Ds on it for us to get the point.
Outside of a war zone, these vehicles are wholly unnecessary. Or do you find you need it to maneuver around the notoriously rough terrain of mid-town Manhattan?
Who cares that you’re driving the least fuel-efficient car on the road? You keep up your powerful contribution to global warming. 12 miles to the gallon and the honor of looking like a complete prick is way more important to you.
And since it’s usually men who drive these things – we all know that men who drive big cars are compensating for smaller things. Do us all a favor – get surgery and keep that tank off the road.
What binds you all together is your deluded belief that these material goods boost your social status somehow. These are troubled times my friends. How about you accessorize with some respect for others and take the Bluetooth out/put the Blackberry down when someone’s trying to talk to you? Or at least pretend test drive a hybrid?
But you should probably just start by taking your head out of your ass. Believe it or not, other people function just fine answering their phone the regular way when it rings and don’t feel the need to constantly press buttons for no reason on a pocket PC or enjoy cars that you don’t need a ladder to get into.
Come back to the real world and enjoy.