Things Which Must Stop – The Fashion Edition
Leggings
In the name of all things holy, put them away already. The death knoll on this trend should have chimed long ago. You might like staring at your camel toe all day, but I don’t. Having lycra eating your crotch can’t be good for feminine hygiene. If you haven’t got a yeast infection yet, you soon will. Seriously, take them off already. Then drag your ass out of American Apparel and go see a doctor. And I’ll make this next point as delicately as I can; I’ve got love for the big girls, but just because they make it in your size, doesn’t make it right. I really don’t care what size, shape, color or age you are, you just shouldn’t be wearing these, just as you definitely should not be wearing…
Uggs
Every day I ask God to watch over me so I don’t have to unleash my rage on some unsuspecting Ugg wearer. I can’t believe that year after year these things come back to haunt me, I don’t give a crap if they keep your tootsies warm – you look like you just shoved your feet in two loaves of bread. And now they’re coming out with new colors, each one as offensive as the next. There’s a certain type of Ugg wearer that causes me particular disdain. You. Yes, I’m talking to you; white girl between the ages of 15 and 22. You, with the normally mousy brown hair that you’ve highlighted blonde within an inch of its life. You, who during the summer months after frying yourself on a sun bed, puts on a tank top, mini skirt, no tights and Ugg boots. Yes, you. Unless you want me to tackle you to the ground and forcibly remove the mass of sheepskin imprisoning your toes, I strongly advise you to invest in some sandals. Oh and if you must be a habitual offender of this crime against fashion, at least issue a 30 minute warning before removing the boots, because trust me, no one wants to be within a 10 mile radius of you when that happens. But don’t even think about replacing the Uggs with…
Crocs
If Uggs are the bread, Crocs are the swiss cheese in this unsightly footwear sandwich. I don’t buy the whole ‘I only wear them around the house’ defense. Before you know it, you’re wearing them to the movies and shopping and God forbid…out to dinner. Try as you might, there is no way to make these shoes look good. You might be completely in proportion, but throw on a pair of crocs and you look like you have feet the size of Shaq’s. I don’t care if they’re ‘sooooo comfortable’. That phrase shouldn’t even be uttered before the age of 75. What I find particularly disturbing is the new Family Von Croc trend, where mother, father and child are all donning them. Were they giving them out at the family planning clinic or something? His and hers is bad enough, but His, Hers and Child’s takes you to a whole new league of asshole from which there is no return.
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Tags: crocs, leggings, motherf**king uggs
