Things Which Must Stop – The Music Edition
Beyonce
Can you please just go and have some Jay-Z babies already? We all get it – you’ve impressed it upon us for the past ten years; you have a weave, you have an ass, you have a voice (in that order). We get it. You have made your point. Ten-Four. Roger that. Over-and-Out. Seriously, get OVER yourself and get OUT. Thank you and goodnight.
Justin Timberlake
Listen Justin, you either need to stop or kick it into overdrive. These intensely long gaps you leave between albums is burning my brain. You did it with the first one. After damn near two years of that being on rotation, I had zero desire to Let You Love Me or to Rock My Body. I got tired of Rockin’ My Body after a couple of months. It’s a lot of work. And you’ve done it again with this album. What Goes Around has been going around and around and around. Then you’re telling me it Comes Around? Can I get an ETA on when this will end?
Also, you’re not the savior of music my dear. The first album, you had Pharell, the second one, you had Timbaland. Shit, I could make a hit record with that team behind me. You are merely a puppet. Anything you’ve done has been done a million times already; you are just the white version. Get over yourself.
Akon
How you weren’t banished to the depths of hell after releasing ‘I’m So Lonley’ really boggles the mind. Then you had that whole crazy-dry-humping-of-a-teenager thing and Lord only knows how, but you prevailed during that controversy too. Not content with making our ears bleed with your own ‘music’, you insist on jumping all over everyone else’s tracks. Even people one assumes would have better taste, like Gwen Stefani, for example.
How do you do it Akon? What’s your secret? Your voice has a Chipmunk-esque quality to it. You should have been a one hit wonder. Could it be your looks? No, you’re painfully unattractive. Is it your deep and meaningful songs? Well, it’s unlikely ‘I Wanna F**k You’ will go down as a classic in music history (though you did really drive that point home while dry humping that teenager).
Madonna
Oh, I know I’m gonna catch hell from the gays on this one, but Madonna, you’ve got to stop.
Sure, I was down with you during the ‘Holiday’ and ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ era, but you kinda lost be when you started shagging everything with a pulse. Since then, I’ve found each of your yearly, attempted reinventions equally yawn-inducing.
I think you’d be the first to admit, you’re not that great a singer and you dance like a drunken aunt at a wedding. In interviews, you come across as a completely stone cold and vapid bitch. So, what exactly is your appeal?
I can’t even watch your interviews anymore because of your fake, forced British accent. Just ‘cause you married a Brit and live in the UK doesn’t mean you have to adopt our accent. Stop embarrassing yourself.
Just out of interest, are you just injecting botox or have you switched to straight up formaldehyde? You look eerily unnatural and are starting to scare me.
So, chop chop! Retirement beckons – oh and please take those Godforsaken leotards with you on the way out.
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Tags: akon, beyonce, justin timberlake, madonna
