Things Which Must Stop – The Underwear Edition
Thank God summer is over, because if I saw one more big breasted girl going braless, I would not be responsible for my actions. If you are bigger than a B cup, you can’t do it, plain and simple. Some C’s can get away with it, but if you’re bigger, you’ve gotta get you something to lift those puppies up and strap ‘em down. Nobody wants to see your saggy funbags flapping in the breeze. It can’t be comfortable to have them swinging around uncontrollably. And you obviously don’t realise it makes you look 10 pounds heavier than you actually are – why would you want that? I’m a small chested chick and I will live and die with padding and underwire. So you bigger girls should only set your funbags free in the privacy of your own home where they can’t hurt anyone, otherwise, when you’re running for the bus and get slapped in the face by your left tit, you have no one to blame but yourself.
The Whale Tail
Sometimes, a slight revealing of the knickers is unavoidable and accidental, shit happens. But if you’re wearing ultra low rise jeans and you sit down, you must be aware that the piece of dental floss you flung around your nether regions is peeking out the top of your True Religions and exposing half your ass cheeks. Ever heard of a boyshort? Or may I suggest a brazilian thong? But that tacky La Senza number, with the heart shaped rhine stones in the middle of your coccyx, well, it ain’t cute. And deliberately hiking up the sides of your G String so they hover well above the waistband of your jeans? Strippers do that – is that a breed you want to be associated with? But if you must insist on wearing a thong with a low rise pant, maybe just ensure that you don’t sit down or bend over. Ever.
I don’t care what kind of boxers you’ve got on, or how nice an ass you have fellas – pull your frikkin’ pants up. There are few looks more ridiculous than this. And when you choose to accessorize it with a Jesus piece and your pigeon chest, a la Lil Wayne, it has even less appeal. This entire look seems to be centred around the fact that you intend to spend 95% of your day pulling your pants up, just so they can sag back down to your mid-thigh five minutes later. You can’t win with this ensemble. Either you go for the looser boxer short and they mushroom over the top of your jeans, or you go for the boxer brief and your arse looks like two eggs in a hankerchief and you’re inviting a spanking. Hey, I have a crazy idea: hows about you just buy regular sized pants and a belt? Save yourself the constant pulling up of the pants and keep those plaid boxers, that came in a set of three (birthday gift from your mama, naturally) to yourself.