If I Were Your DJ
A couple of weekends ago, after a couple of days of team building exercises with my work folk, I was stuck on a bus back to Toronto with about 50 other employees. Worn out from the various baffoonery we were forced to engage in, I was looking forward to getting some shut eye.
I reclined my seat (the two inches it would recline), took a deep breath and closed my eyes. As I was drifting off into a gentle snooze, the girl sitting across the isle from me fired up her iPod. Ugh. Beyonce. That god damned ‘If I were a boy’ song. The first few bars of this song are enough to send me into a flying rage, but I tried to block it out, focus on counting sheep or something.
And I really did try. But then that bitch put it on repeat. By the fourth time hearing it, I was ready to get off the bus and throw myself under it.
I don’t care how much of an asshole your boyfriend has been to you, Beyonce is never the answer. Does listening to the lyrics of this song help you come up with great ways to treat him as badly as he does you? That’s one hell of a master plan you’ve got there, skipper. I’m not really one for hypotheticals anyway, so the whole concept of the song is lost on me. All this ‘if I were a boy, I’d do this, that and the other’ nonsense, is for the birds. Don’t talk about it, be about it. Go get the sex change and start raining down the karma.
Or you could just not be with a guy who’s an asshole in the first place. But then you’ve have nothing to talk about with your girlfriends, or be able to annoy strangers on three hour bus rides by playing irritating Beyonce diddies on repeat.
But, if the best way to get through to these poor relationship-having, Beyonce-listening fools is to use hypotheticals, I have a few of my own:
If I were a black belt in karate,
I would drop kick you in the face,
Stomp on your headphones,
And pray you find some taste.
But I’m a lover, not a fighter, so here’s hoping you make it through that rough patch with your boyfriend, so I won’t have to take it there. And just so you know, one of those team building exercises we had to do was archery and I was pretty shit hot – don’t make me go back there and get the bow and arrow.