The Lady Detectives
So, you broke up. You may be sniffling into a tissue, you may be out drinking the pain away or you may be getting over him by getting under someone else. Alternatively, you may be acting like an adult and just moving on with your life. What I’m always surprised about with break ups is the number of women who turn into regular little Detective Columbos when their relationships crumble. They make it their business to know every movement, phone call and sighting of their ex.
Of course, social networking sites like Facebook have only exacerbated the problem. Back when I had my first break up (I was 18), I had a highly skilled team of spies to inform me of my ex’s whereabouts and who he was talking to. Each report I got back would crush my soul a little more. (Hey, I was 18 – we’re meant to be stupid at that age.) Facebook has made it easier than ever for you to never get over your break up and become a bitter, resentful, scheming, crazy woman.
Stalking is what is comes down to. You’ll go on his Facebook page to see who’s been writing on his wall. If you see he’s been interacting with some chick, you’ll put in an angry phone call to your ex expressing your disapproval or asking exactly what he thinks he’s doing. Congratulations! You just reaffirmed why he broke up with you!
You’ll follow his Twitter updates to see where he’s going and if you’re a special kind of crazy, you’ll even show up at the same places and pretend it’s a coincidence.
But really, all you’re doing is driving yourself nuts. You’re keeping yourself entwined in someone’s world that you are no longer a part of. To watch a blow by blow of how the other person is moving on with their life while you just watch/click/follow/read/stalk is not the way to get on with your own life.
And why do you need to know? Seriously, once you’ve broken up, what business is it of yours where he goes and who he sees? If he chooses to move on the very next day, it’s harsh, but that’s his business. You two are no longer together. He doesn’t need to account to you, nor does he owe you an explanation. He is only responsible for his own happiness now, not yours.
But what’s even more hypocritical is that while, in your mind, he is not allowed to talk to another woman as long as he lives (or until you decide you’re over it, whichever comes first), you’re out actively trying to line up your next date and flirting with anything with legs. So why is it one rule for you and another for your ex?
All it comes down to is each person wants to be the first to move on. It’s like a competition. Both parties want to be the first to date to show that they are desirable to someone else. But it’s important to remember that you were, at one point, desirable to each other. There’s a way to honor that and move on with grace.
Release it and allow yourself to breathe. Endlessly stalking his post-break up moves is going to get you where exactly?