November 2, 2009 | fashion

Shop at Your Peril

This past Saturday, I decided to engage in two things one should never engage in on a Satuday: Primark and Ikea.

My game plan was to get to Primark when it opened. Who the hell else wants to get up at some ungodly hour just to get some discount clothing? Well, a lot of people apparently. A whole heap of people had been sipping on the same crazy juice as me and I had to seriously control the boiling rage that simmers under my cool exterior at any given time.

I slinked around that store so well, dodging people that you’d have thought it was a highly choreographed interpretive contemporary dance. I pranced to the hosiery section where I picked out three pairs of tights in 23 seconds flat. I twisted and turned to the dresses section where I got into a Mexican stand off with some chick who thought she’d get the last dress in my particular size. She could see in my eyes that I was ready to do a dance off for it and she backed down. Then I leaped to the blouses and tops section where I picked out two items in less than 17 seconds. After trying things on Superman-in-a-phone-booth style, I made it to the check out counter, where a small miracle was performed by the Baby Jesus and there were no lines. £28 later (3 pairs of tights, two tops and a skirt), I was outta there.

And all this on a day where my city was playing host to two protests; one by the EDL (English Defense League) who are similar to or somehow affiliated with the BNP (British National Party) – both groups are collectively known as WANKERS. So they were having one of their casual fascist demonstrations and the UAF (Unite Against Facism) group showed up to protest said gathering. Needless to say, tensions were high and the only way I could think to show my particular distaste was to buy a pair of stilettos that I could throw at an unsuspecting fascist should some shit go down. I do my part people, I do my part.

As if all that wasn’t enough, myself and the ‘rents decided to go to Ikea…on Saturday afternoon. I told my parents to take my bail money with them because I surely would not make it out of there without cutting a bitch. I nicknamed some of the mothers in there ‘Sister Mary Francis’ because you have to have the patience of some sort of saint to drag  two toddler aged children around that Swedish madhouse on a Saturday. Hats off to them.

Has anyone managed to find a shortcut through Ikea yet? If so, you could make a killing selling that map on the black market.

I think we were in there about two hours, but I managed to age ten years. To my surprise, I made it out without assaulting anyone. Now there’s just the small matter of assembling all this crap. *sigh*

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Come on! Shortcuts are signposted and the assembling is so easy! Or is that knowledge something that somehow managed to escape everyone but the Swede…? 😉

Vicki P

So funny and I know the feeling. Spent about an hour and a lifetime in Zara getting Pete a suit on Saturday and literally had to the do the job of the sales assistants who couldn’t even help with the basics. The heat in these shops is also totally uncalled for. Online shopping from now on it is!

Long Tall Ally

I had to brave West Quay Southampton yesterday, it too reminded me that online shopping is the way forward. Who cares if it means my Christmas presents don’t arrive til Mid March, it will prevent me from going to prison for stabbing a fellow shopper with the ‘slow walking shopper’ flick knife I keep in my handbag!

Smarty Jones

I’m convinced that you need a PhD to assemble anything from IKEA. It is ri-damn-diculous the shit you have to go through to put that stuff together. When I see something cute, I ask where they got it. If the answer is IKEA, the item morphs into the ugliest crap I’ve ever seen. Maybe it’s a mind thing. I think IKEA is owned by the Devil. Only he could make something so cute so damn evil.

Tyrone M.

You know those Swedes are clever as hell. I think I am earning my keep just be being able to put together Ikea stuff without losing or breaking pieces.

And may I commend you for the way you shop? It should be done like a bank robbery – you get in, you get what you want and leave without anyone getting hurt. All done very quickly. Long walks are for the park.


You went to shopping on Saturday. I went to work. I’m certain the protesters were more entertaining than my empty office building.

I have never been inside IKEA. Not sure how that’s happened.

You deserve some sort of award for shopping so quickly. It would’ve taken me 17 minutes to decide on the items I wanted to THINK about getting.


That Primark excursion was quite impressive both for the little amount of time and money spent. I have you beat at Ikea though: entire search and purchase in approximately 40 minutes.

Bangs and a Bun

EWA – Wait, are those signs written in Swedish? That may be why I’m not getting it. Remind me to take you with me next time I go to Ikea!

VICKI P – Oh, the heat, the heat! There’s been many a time I wanted to strip down to my undies while shopping I tell ya.

LONG TALL ALLY – You have one of those knives too? Wow. Great minds and all that.

SMARTY – I lost a few brain cells while assembling the stuff I’m sure.

TYRONE – I have a very distinct plan of attack when I go shopping. If it looks like it’s going awry, I yell ‘Abort! Abort!’ and get out.

REINA – If you’ve managed to stay out of Ikea this long, keep it that way. Your life is surely far superior to mine as a result of that one decision.

NICOLE – Hot damn, that Ikea outing really does deserve some kind of medal. How is that even possible? I salute you my friend.

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