Dear Elliot Stabler,
You know me, you and Law & Order SVU go back like car seats.
I was surprised that when you got out of prison in Oz, you managed to get a job with the police department (wait, what? That was a different show? Whatever), but I’ve been rolling with you ever since. Usually I get my daily fix of you on the Hallmark channel, but sometimes they like to act up and put other, lesser cop shows on there like Without a Trace and really, who cares where all those people are disappearing to? They can stay untraceable for all I care. I need that dramatic ‘dong dong’ between the scenes of Law & Order. It syncs with my heart beat, just for you Elliot.
You know how I know I love you Elliot? Because I even forgive you when you wear denim on denim. That’s love. Though I must say, I prefer you when you’re in a shirt and tie, shirt sleeves rolled up, yelling in some perp’s face. It moves me in mysterious ways.
We need to have a chat about Olivia though. First off, she’s entirely too good looking to be on the police force. Who’s crazy idea was it to employ her and how does anyone get any work done in her presence? Anyhoo, here’s the deal; I get that you’re trying to do the whole good-Irish-catholic-husband thing, I do – but I’m gonna need you to sleep with Olivia. And this is coming from someone who forgives you wearing denim on denim, so you know this is from a place of love. I can stand the sexual tension between the two of you no more. Just get it over with already! You don’t even need to have a steamy love affair. Just a quicky is your boss’s office or something – whatever it takes to clear the air.
Granted, I may have been watching the same four seasons of Law & Order: SVU since the beginning of time, so maybe you have already been a little freaky deaky between the sheets. If so, you can ignore this whole thing.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. Until next time…keep locking up those bad guys, lover.