I’ve had the unenviable job of sending rejection letters to people applying for a job at my workplace recently. I’m not in admin or anything, but for some reason, people think I’m good at telling it like it is and rejecting people (don’t know where they get that crazy idea from). I have mentioned how hard it is to send these letters (and in some cases, how frustrating, due to the amount of people who apply for a job they have no experience in) on Twitter. One of my lovely followers, Lollingtons, decided to write me a job application letter on her blog, so that I could reject her. She’s a bit of a masochist like that.
First, click here to read Lollington’s letter to me. Then take a deep breath and read my kind and measured response below.
Thank you for taking the time to apply for the job we posted last week.
Having looked at your CV, I’m afraid wild monkeys are more qualified for the position than you.
To say we are concerned about your admiration for Heidi Montag is an understatement. If you ever got DDD breast implants, it would impede your ability to work as you wouldn’t be able to see over them. If you adopt the arrow eyebrow look it will either distract everyone or anger them to the point of wanting to bitch slap you and we don’t encourage violence in the workplace.
Your UGG boot collection would also be problematic, due to health and safety reasons. ‘Health’ because your feet will get so sweaty, if you ever take the boots off within a 10 mile radius of the office, we’ll have to fumigate the place (the cost of which, we would bill to you) and ‘Safety’ because we have an employee who has been known to wrestle UGG boots off people’s feet and beat them round the head with them. We cannot afford another lawsuit.
Your leggings, wetlook or otherwise, would also be a problem. They are not appropriate office attire. No one wants to stare at your cameltoe all day.
Unfortunately your dislike of musicals, Law & Order SVU, high heels and style means you would not gel with the rest of our workforce (in particular, one person, who lays the smack down on people who don’t like any of those things).
We feel that the wild monkey who could do the job better than you, most likely has better taste than you too.
Thank you again for making time in your busy schedule of Jeremy Kyle-watching and drunken Facebook photo-posting to apply for this job. We sincerely hope you find employment in the circus freak show in which you belong.