Things Which Must Stop – The Infomercial Edition
The Hoodie Footie
In the name of all things good and holy, what in the onesie hell is this?! I refuse to believe that any woman can sit at home, see this come on an infomercial and think ‘that’s a good look.’ This has to be a piss take. And yet, look how happy the woman in the pic is to be wearing it. I ain’t mad at ya honey, get your pay cheque. It’s hard out here on these streets and crack prices just keep skyrocketing. Do what you’ve gotta do. Say someone rings your doorbell, do you answer wearing that? Those are some giant balls you have, my friend. This is wrong in more way than I can count. Looking at it makes my head hurt.
This just makes me want to punch babies. Wrapping a big bit of coloured styrofoam around yourself to feel like a hug? Never, not even on my darkest, loneliest nights would I ever consider this an option. In the infomercial, it gives the impression that this is something you should send to your significant other, in your absence, instead of say, something a normal person would send – like flowers. Let me tell you something, I wish someone would try to send me this crap. I would wrap that piece of trash around the delivery man’s neck and pull til he got the message. What the hell kinda of gift is that?! You better take your ass to the petrol station and get some on-the-verge-of-death flowers!
The Slender Shaper
So you wanna lose weight? Here’s an idea: how about your laze around your house with a vibrating Hello Kitty fanny pack stuck to your pot belly? Yep, that’s gonna work. Alternatively, you could turn the TV off (to avoid the temptation of any of the above products) and just take your fat ass (and the rest of you) to the gym. And put that Snickers down while you’re at it. Just a thought. Does anyone ever even take a moment to consider how ridiculous anything featured on an informercial looks? Why are you OK with being a grown woman and having Hello frikkin’ Kitty strapped to your midsection like that’s normal? You’re not the bill payer in your house are you? Because I’m gonna need someone with an ounce of sense to take over those duties for you. Put the remote down! OK, now come here – let’s hug it out with the Hug-e-Gram. Everything will be alright,