February 16, 2010 | life

Things Which Must Stop – The Infomercial Edition

The Hoodie Footie

In the name of all things good and holy, what in the onesie hell is this?! I refuse to believe that any woman can sit at home, see this come on an infomercial and think ‘that’s a good look.’ This has to be a piss take. And yet, look how happy the woman in the pic is to be wearing it. I ain’t mad at ya honey, get your pay cheque. It’s hard out here on these streets and crack prices just keep skyrocketing. Do what you’ve gotta do. Say someone rings your doorbell, do you answer wearing that? Those are some giant balls you have, my friend. This is wrong in more way than I can count. Looking at it makes my head hurt.

The Hug-e-Gram

This just makes me want to punch babies. Wrapping a big bit of coloured styrofoam around yourself to feel like a hug? Never, not even on my darkest, loneliest nights would I ever consider this an option. In the infomercial, it gives the impression that this is something you should send to your significant other, in your absence, instead of say, something a normal person would send – like flowers. Let me tell you something, I wish someone would try to send me this crap. I would wrap that piece of trash around the delivery man’s neck and pull til he got the message. What the hell kinda of gift is that?! You better take your ass to the petrol station and get some on-the-verge-of-death flowers!

The Slender Shaper

So you wanna lose weight? Here’s an idea: how about your laze around your house with a vibrating Hello Kitty fanny pack stuck to your pot belly? Yep, that’s gonna work. Alternatively, you could turn the TV off (to avoid the temptation of any of the above products) and just take your fat ass (and the rest of you) to the gym. And put that Snickers down while you’re at it. Just a thought. Does anyone ever even take a moment to consider how ridiculous anything featured on an informercial looks? Why are you OK with being a grown woman and having Hello frikkin’ Kitty strapped to your midsection like that’s normal? You’re not the bill payer in your house are you? Because I’m gonna need someone with an ounce of sense to take over those duties for you. Put the remote down! OK, now come here – let’s hug it out with the Hug-e-Gram. Everything will be alright,

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16 Comments

Jennie

We do not have these product here in Canada, and I am glad because I feel like they come with ridiculous infomercial. I can hardly handle the never ending run of the slop-chop (even though i secretly want one)

Lady K

why? Why? WHY?!?

Has the world gone mad?! What the hell is a hoodie footie and who would be caught dead running around in one?!

*stalks off mumbling* I swear just dumb mf’ers running around here wearing that hot ass mess…

Jen Gosselyn

Have you watched the Hoodie Footie infomercial, it could likely also be used for one of those late night sex chat phone lines…

But on a serious note, did you know when you are wearing your Hoodie Footie you will be warm and be able to drink your tea, browse the internet, talk on the phone and all of your favourite activities?? SOLD!!

Hinamori

What. The. Fuck. Do people actually buy this? Who makes these things? They and I need to have a serious talk.

The “Hug-e-Gram” pisses me off the most, because they don’t even try to come up with a valid reason to buy it, except the fact it can “record special personalized messages”, which is hardly anything at all. I’m sure if someone sent me a “Hug-e-Gram”, our friendship/relationship would be over.

Ness

OK, I saw that damn “Hug-e-Gram” on youtube the other day and I really thought it was a informercial parody, now the horrible realization of the reality of this is sinking in… thanks Bangs!

Have you seen the “bump it” thing for your hair? That needs to be added to your list.

The F$%K it List

When I saw the infomercial for the Hoodie footie I thought about you and what you would say. I prayed to Black Jesus for the words to do a post of my own but all that would come to mind was Stop the madness.

ENOUGH ALREADY! Don’t make me invoke the name of the savior Tim Gunn again,PLEASE!

RitziCortez

The same flatmate of mine who lusts after denim pajamas wants one of those onesies. Enough said.

They are hideous, you’re right. However I imagine they may be practical at times, there have been times in my life when I’ve not been able to afford to turn the heating on mid December, so if I could package one up and send it to my former self I would probably do so. On the condition that my former self burn it when she could afford to pay the gas bill.

Fanny packs… just no.

x

Sean

I am so tempted to buy you the Hug-e-Gram just to see if you will “wrap that piece of trash around the delivery man’s neck and pull til he got the message.” That is surely worth the $67 in shipping and handling.

Sean

Dear Jaded Nyer,

If you have to pee, just go. It’ll be our little secret.

liloo

Hilarious Post!
The Hoodie Footie: the only time I can see people wearing this would be on fancy dress occasions, dressed as a rabbit or mansize baby. But this would be a very expensive outfit!
The Hug-e-Gram = what. the. fresking. hell.

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