Hair, Meet Shampoo
There are certain looks I find questionable. Sure, I’ll never get behind the need to wear Uggs or leave your house in your pajamas. There are other styles, like crotch-eating jeggings, that I will also never endorse. But unwashed hair is both disgusting and makes no damn sense. Examine it a little further and you can see that there has been an unwashed hair progression throughout the ages and it can only lead to one terrifying thing.
I’m guessing that at some point between the time Jesus was roaming around in his Birkinstocks and and let’s say, the 1800s when things started to get a bit more civilised, someone, somewhere put together some kind of concoction to get your hair clean. Hats of to whoever figured out the formula. From 1900-1950s, people were roaming around looking prim and proper, then came the 60s and hippies. These free-spirited incense burners were too busy smoking weed to to stick to any kind of hair care regimen. So when people say ‘peace and hair grease’ we know where that came from. Their hair was probably greasy as a muhfugger from lack of washing.
In the 90s came the grunge movement. Little known Bangs fact: as Junior Bangs, I went through probably a 2-3 year grunge phase myself. Oh yes my friends, I owned tie dye clothes and Doc Martins with multicoloured laces. I was all about Nirvana and Pearl Jam. In fairness, I was only about 11 and it was kind of born out of me mourning the disbandment of New Kids on the Block, but still, I was making a statement. But I could never been a true grunger. You know why? Because I liked clean hair. As much respect as I have for the musical stylings of Kurt Cobain, the man could’ve taken some time out a few times a week to enjoy a Herbal Essence moment, you know what I’m sayin’?
Now we’ve got hipsters. Characterised by their love of skinny jeans so tight they ruin any chance of ever being able to procreate, pointy shoes and being hardcore into bands that only they and three other people have heard of. Another hipster characteristic is a reluctance to wash hair, preferring instead, to let it form into a wild, dirty mess. That goes for the girls too. I was at a hipster gathering recently and I swear I wanted to walk into the place with a big ass hose like I was fighting a fire. Someone tell these people it’s cool to wash, please.
Anyway, my point is, all this reluctance to wash hair can only lead to one thing: white people with dreads. Under no circumstances do you want to become that douchebag. It starts with you getting dreadlocks, then you get a dog that you also refuse to wash, then you start wearing beads and shells and shit. I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it.
So you see folks, having a flea-ridden grease pit atop your head is not a good look. If you can’t be arsed to wash it, shave it off, but for the love of God, don’t become White Dreadlock Man.