May 4, 2010 | fashion

Summer Shoe Hell

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Ahh May, welcome! Traditionally, this is the time of year where I kick my wardrobe change over into overdrive and begin my quest for light, fun spring/summer wear. This past weekend, I decided to shop (read: surf the interweb) for shoes. As is well documented on this site, I have a deep, intense love of footwear, so the act of shopping for it is usually joyous. This time though, it was a joyless, soul-destroying experience. What in the world are shoemakers doing?

Take for example those shoes above. Clogs. Every single shop has a variation of these hideous things. I don’t care how much to try to convince me clogs are a good idea, I cannot and will not partake in this sham of a mockery of a mockery of a sham. Unless you’re Dutch, get your shit together and wear proper shoes.

image1lThen there’s these. What the hell are these? I came out bashing the shoe/boot hybrid as soon as they came on the scene. They make no kind of sense. Can I wear them when it’s hot? Well sure I can, if I want to show off my big toe and have sweaty ankles. Can I wear them when it’s cold? Most definitely, if I want to have my frostbitten toes surgically removed at the end of the day. Which genius came up with these things?

I want no part of it. Where do you wear these? And with what?! It’s entirely too confusing.

image1l-2Look at these things. Well, let’s see; I’m not in the cast of Hair and have no plans to go to a 70s themed fancy dress party anytime soon, so why would I buy these?

Hideous, awful, outrageously bad. Even the most unfashionable people I know wouldn’t wear these (except for the fact that I obviously don’t know anyone unfashionable, but whatever).

image1l-1By the time I scrolled down and saw these, I’d figured out that whoever designed them has an intense drug problem. Imagine all the processes these had to go through to get made and make it onto the mass market. Some idiot took the time to design these, choose that delightful combination of colours to go together, add laces, a rubber toe and heel – this was all put on paper and presumably run past a manager or two. Then they went into production and representatives showed these to shoe stores and those shoe stores looked at this and said….’Yes, our customers who ride on the special bus will love these.’

image1xl-1OK, let’s talk through exactly what is going on here: that’s cork on the sole, followed by an inexplicable layer of beige, leading into an orange wedge, topped off by grey nubuck, laces, buckles and what looks to be a denim or suede accent trim. That, my friend, is a lot. That shoe looks like it weighs at least 300lbs. How am I meant to put one foot in front of the other if I can’t even lift them?

Whenever you see models take a tumble on the catwalk, they’re always wearing something like this. Let this be a warning ladies.

So when this is the calibre of shoe I see on offer at any given shoe store, is it any wonder I’m seriously worried about having to roam the streets barefoot this summer? What am I looking for? Simplicity. Every summer I like to have at least one pair of flat sandals, perhaps a pair of wedges and one pair of open-toed shoes, maybe with a slingback. I’m not asking too much!

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13 Comments

The Jaded NYer

I feel you sister! I was on the hunt for a simple peep-toe wedge to go with the few summer dresses I have in my closet and NOTHING. All I found were variations of those crappy things you posted here…it made my feet so sad 🙁

Smarty P. Jones

You people are speaking another language. This is usually the time I buy new white sneakers. Which reminds me, I have to avoid the same Nikes I bought for two years straight.

Mamuje

I agree with you to an extent for instance the second shoes are hideous….very very hideous. But then again I love crocs so I really dont worry about it.

VickiP

These shoes are HIDEOUS. Wow! New depths of gross have been met with these designs.

Irene

I am on the market for some shoes and since I wear a size 11 (42), its a major problem. I have seen some ugly that should be illegal.

The F$%k it List

Is that a clog, a wooden clog I see?
*crosses self* In the name of the Father (Tim Gunn), The son (Manolo Blahnik) and the Holy Ghost (Jimmy Choo) why?

I have seen some really hideous shoes on-line so I just walk my little self over to Saks shoe department and roll around… I mean purchase shoes. If a shoe store can have its own zip code, this is the place to be.

Ha Ha Sound

I think for a guy, it’s obviously different. I usually own one pair of black shoes, and a pair or two of sneakers for the gym and Sundays. And I hate laces. Give me some stylish slip-ons any day of the week. There’s nothing more annoying than walking down the street with a friend or business colleague, and having to stop everything so you can bend down to tie your shoes.

I’m fussy like that.

But I agree with you, the shoes you posted pictures of in this post are hideous. I like it when women wear simple, elegant shoes.

lola

all of them r absolutely rank!

… one thing i will say tho (altho still not my cuppa tea), the peep-toe/boot hybrid is more of a spring or autumn shoe. every spectrum of season will soon b accounted 4… u just wait + see. hahahaaa.

oh + one more moan i actually hav with footwear manufacturers is the fact that we get less 4 more. back in the day, i could buy a pretty decent pair of leather shoes from a place like OFFICE 4 about £60. now, hav a look on their site + their £60 shoes r all pvc-market-shite.

i give up.

Nicole

Imagine how much more difficult shoe shopping is when you have (North American)size 4 feet and don’t wear leather. *goes back to perusing the children’s section of the Payless website*

Rhamnousia

Those peeptoe boots are craptacular, what’s the point of wearing them?

Another item of clothing I don’t understand is sleeveless polo necks, your neck may be cold but your arms are warm? :S

I can’t believe there is a market for these kinds of “shoes”.

What always makes me laugh is when people wear them because they’re en vogue and because a celeb has worn them..little do they know that celebs are paid to dress like idiots whereas you’re paying to look stupid.

Vixster

I completely agree with you about the bad shoes out there!

When I need a pair of shoes to go with an outfit I can never find any, but when I’m casually looking in shoe shops I always find loads of shoes that I like!

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