Dear Spammers,
Are you not bored yet? ‘Cause I’m sure bored of receiving your endless stream of shite on a daily basis. How much of your day are you putting into expanding your spam business? Is there any time left over for hobbies, eating, breathing? You seem to have quite a packed schedule of attempting to get nonsensical, completely useless information out to the masses.
Credit where credit’s due though, you have gone to great lengths to vary your spamming techniques. The spam comments you leave on my blog, for example, are rather genius. You leave me comments saying things like ‘awesome blog man! Gonna bookmark it.’ And I almost pay attention until I see that your website is something about free external harddrives or other such bollocks. You crafty bastards, I have to hand it to you. Thankfully though, I have a pretty kick ass spam filter so anything you have to say gets relegated there. I hope it feels like you’re being cockblocked by a good friend whenever that happens.
I’m surprised that you’re still sticking with the good ol’ email spam though. That all seems a lil passe now, non? I mean, what’s the return rate on those emails you’re sending from Nigeria about a family we’ve never heard of dying in a plane crash and leaving me, a complete stranger, a gazillion pounds sterling? Seriously, I’d like some stats on that so that I can tally it against my own informal research which concluded that roughly 96% of all people are complete douchenozzles.
And for the last time, no, I really don’t need my penis enlarged. That, of course, is primarily because I’m not a man so I don’t in fact have a penis. While at times, some of my blog commenters have accused me of looking like a tranny, that would also be inaccurate. I have also been described as a gay man in a woman’s body, which is actually pretty spot on because I love the mens and I love ze shoes – see? Anyhoo, we’re getting off point here. Stop sending me stuff about schlongs.
Then of course there’s your Twitter spam. I’d like to thank you for easy off on that crazy Britney Spears sex vids spam you were hawking on there pretty hardcore last year. I could barely go a few minutes without a pics of Brit Brit fellating a giant penis popping up on my screen. It was very disturbing. But still, you keep on with other little tweet spam projects that I have no appreciation for. I can’t imagine anyone has an appreciation for them actually, so perhaps it’s time you put your energies into something else like, oooh I don’t know, a real job? In fact, I don’t really care what you do, as long as it doesn’t involve me, my inbox, my various social media profiles, my blog or really any aspect of my life.
Got it?
Good.
Sincerely,
Bangs
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Tags: annoying things, pointless activities, spam
