The Bitch Please Advice Column

Dear Bangs,

As you are my hero of straight talking and seem pretty clued up on the old social netoworking, I’d really like a bit of guidance. You see, I’m having Facebook stress – I could do with a bit of a ‘Facebook Etiquette Guide’. There’s probably a whole book right there, but there’s a couple of issues I would really love your advice on;

De-friending – when is it appropriate? Should you inform the person of the reasons or just go for the ‘de-friend and block manouvre’?
Friend requests – should I just decline or can I send an email detailing how, as this person spent the best years of my teens bullying my flat chested self, they can eff right off?
Business Page – how do i politely decline my customers who add me as a personal friend (I just find it weird)

Also, I often find myself wishing there was a ‘dislike’ button for when (insert name here) is on it like a car bonnet, or (insert name here) can’t believe her little boy just missed the potty. Is there an appropriate comment ever to be made to these people? Or does it bring me back to point one, de-friending.

As you can see, I am floundering in a cyber-sea and really need Bangs to throw me a copy of ‘Facebook for Dummies’

Much Love

Face Stuck


Dear Face Stuck,

You’ve come to the right place my friend. I should warn you though, I’m a bit ‘take no prisoners’ in the Facebook game. Now that we all spend so much of our time online, friendships are changing, morphing and there is a whole new etiquette that comes along with it.

Alright, get your pen and paper ready and we’ll begin (that was a test – of course you don’t need  a pen and paper. This is the internet. Keep up).

Defriending – When is it appropriate? Basically whenever you feel it. I take particular joy is removing all those Farmville and Mafia Wars playing mofos from my friends list. If I find people’s updates annoying, offensive, too frequent, non-sensical – they’re gone too. I don’t bother to give them an explanation. Fact is, most people won’t even notice. I’ve only had it bite me in the ass once when I deleted a guy who’d been displaying particularly douchetastic qualities – he sent me a series of messages about how petty I was being (which really only served to make him look both petty and insane). However, if you feel a bit funny about deleting your Aunty Jane from your friends list, despite the fact that she may annoy the bejesus out of you, remember you can always opt to ‘hide’ their updates – that way the person can think they’re still friends with you, without knowing you actually can’t stand their ass.

Friend requests – I decline without a second thought. Every now and then I do get the people who clearly hated me at school trying to add me. I simply say ‘bitch please’ out loud while declining said request. I wouldn’t give it any more thought than that – however tempting it may be to pen a four page letter detailing the various way in which they can go f**k themselves.

For customers who try to add you on their personal page rather than your business one – just straight up decline and if they ask, just say you use your personal page for close friends and family only. Not sure what line of work you’re in, but it’s usually best to keep the two separate.

As for a ‘dislike’ button for people’s irritating status updates, I have wished for the very same thing numerous times. Sometimes, when people do those stupid and unnecessary updates about their kid’s potty habits, I will leave a comment like ‘thank God I know the frequency of Lil James’s bowel movements – I can sleep easy tonight’ or words to that effect. But generally, those fools are the ones I don’t even think twice about defriending.

Hope that helps – for a few extras, I did a video blog a while back about Facebook etiquette. Enjoy!




If you need some no nonsense advice, email

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