A Beginner’s Guide to X Factor
Every Saturday and Sunday night, UK tweeters gather themselves and sit down to flood each other’s timelines with tweets about The X Factor, a popular Simon Cowell money making machine where the public vote on their favourite singing contestant. Many of my followers from other parts of the world have tweeted me to say they have no idea what X Factor is, but they enjoy my tweets about it. So, I thought I’d put together this handy beginners guide, especially since they’re threatening to take this bombshell of a show to America. Brace yourselves…
From Left to Right we have Louis Walsh, a simple Irishman (simple being the operative word there) responsible for big boy band acts such as Westlife and Boyzone. Never heard of them? Praise the Baby Jesus for that small mercy. Dannii Minogue, sister of the only other person on the planet with the surname Minogue, Kylie. She used to be in an Australian soap opera. Her musical career consisted of about two failed singles, so she’s perfect to judge a show like this where that is the kind of career span the winner can expect. Cheryl Cole, member of girl group Girls Aloud who rose to fame on a similar talent show. Commonly referred to as ‘The Nation’s Sweetheart’ she married a footballer, divorced a footballer and had malaria. *shrug* That’s pretty much all I know. Simon Cowell, the man needs no introduction really; wears white T Shirts and jeans, bathes in money.
These are the few left headed to this week’s final this Saturday. Keep in mind this has been whittled down from about 247 acts when the season started. Actually, it was more like 14, but it seems the 2010 X Factor show has been going on since about 2006, so it’s hard to know where we’re at. Anyhoo…
Favourites to win, these five lads were actually all rejected from the show when they auditioned as soloists, but Cowell smelled money and forced them together to form a group. Look at them, all steely glares and Beiber hair – they’ve pretty much got this in the bag. They come on stage and there’s a party in the pants of every 14 year old girl in the country.
Cher caught everyone’s attention when she walked on stage for her first audition and this tiny white girl announced she’d be singing ‘Turn my Swag On by Soulja Boi but the Keri Hilson version.’ Not quite the usual song choice for these kind of things. It was all so promising. Then came the live shows where she started throwing raps in to every song imaginable and being a generally cocky twat. She’ll lose the show, but will get at least one album out of her white girl rap singing before descending into full on heroin addiction.
He’s a painter/decorator with a dream. He has stubble and can sing a bit – this has won many-a-mother over. He strums his guitar a bit and a thousand heart strings flutter. That stubble may just take him all the way to the top. After all, it’s not as illegal to like him as it is One Direction.
She’s shy. She’s from Liverpool (that place that The Beatles are from). She has two kids. Her story arc has been her ‘coming out of her shell.’ Unfortunately the shell seems to have a kung fu grip on her ability to dance, even to club classics like Show Me Love, which is a travesty really.
So there you have it. This weekend, one of these acts will be crowned the winner and we’ll all have to find something else to do with our Saturday nights. God forbid we have to go out get lives.