Posts Tagged ‘bad footwear’

Summer Shoe Hell

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

image1xl

Ahh May, welcome! Traditionally, this is the time of year where I kick my wardrobe change over into overdrive and begin my quest for light, fun spring/summer wear. This past weekend, I decided to shop (read: surf the interweb) for shoes. As is well documented on this site, I have a deep, intense love of footwear, so the act of shopping for it is usually joyous. This time though, it was a joyless, soul-destroying experience. What in the world are shoemakers doing?

Take for example those shoes above. Clogs. Every single shop has a variation of these hideous things. I don’t care how much to try to convince me clogs are a good idea, I cannot and will not partake in this sham of a mockery of a mockery of a sham. Unless you’re Dutch, get your shit together and wear proper shoes.

image1lThen there’s these. What the hell are these? I came out bashing the shoe/boot hybrid as soon as they came on the scene. They make no kind of sense. Can I wear them when it’s hot? Well sure I can, if I want to show off my big toe and have sweaty ankles. Can I wear them when it’s cold? Most definitely, if I want to have my frostbitten toes surgically removed at the end of the day. Which genius came up with these things?

I want no part of it. Where do you wear these? And with what?! It’s entirely too confusing.

image1l-2Look at these things. Well, let’s see; I’m not in the cast of Hair and have no plans to go to a 70s themed fancy dress party anytime soon, so why would I buy these?

Hideous, awful, outrageously bad. Even the most unfashionable people I know wouldn’t wear these (except for the fact that I obviously don’t know anyone unfashionable, but whatever).

image1l-1By the time I scrolled down and saw these, I’d figured out that whoever designed them has an intense drug problem. Imagine all the processes these had to go through to get made and make it onto the mass market. Some idiot took the time to design these, choose that delightful combination of colours to go together, add laces, a rubber toe and heel – this was all put on paper and presumably run past a manager or two. Then they went into production and representatives showed these to shoe stores and those shoe stores looked at this and said….’Yes, our customers who ride on the special bus will love these.’

image1xl-1OK, let’s talk through exactly what is going on here: that’s cork on the sole, followed by an inexplicable layer of beige, leading into an orange wedge, topped off by grey nubuck, laces, buckles and what looks to be a denim or suede accent trim. That, my friend, is a lot. That shoe looks like it weighs at least 300lbs. How am I meant to put one foot in front of the other if I can’t even lift them?

Whenever you see models take a tumble on the catwalk, they’re always wearing something like this. Let this be a warning ladies.

So when this is the calibre of shoe I see on offer at any given shoe store, is it any wonder I’m seriously worried about having to roam the streets barefoot this summer? What am I looking for? Simplicity. Every summer I like to have at least one pair of flat sandals, perhaps a pair of wedges and one pair of open-toed shoes, maybe with a slingback. I’m not asking too much!

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Posted in fashion | 13 Comments »

Clogged Up

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

I saw a newspaper headline the other day that said ‘How to Wear Clogs’ – surely the answer to that would be to not wear them at all? But alas no, apparently clogs are making a comeback now. *sighs* *rubs temples* Is there nothing, NOTHING that we won’t attempt to ‘bring back.’ When clogs went away, they were just ready to give it all up. The retired, maybe bought a nice little condo down in Florida and have been happily playing bingo for years now. Leave clogs alone! Let them live their life!

Alright, fine, since you’re going to back me into a corner, I’ll admit, I did once own a pair of clogs. It was during my hippy/grunge phase in the early 90s. They were red suede. They were acceptable for two reasons; a) because it was the early 90s b) because I was 12. But if you were to see me trying to pull off those clodhoppers today, I would turn my cheek to you myself, making it easier for you to bitch slap me.

But you may be surprised to hear, I’m not actually completely opposed to the return of clogs. Why? Because I see them as a stepping stone…for people who wear Crocs. Perhaps this is one way we can help those idiots to transition into real footwear. It’s all about baby steps. Clogs are kind of a more professional, grown up looking Croc. This could be just the tool we need to help them progress. From Crocs to Clogs, Clogs to a comfortable flat, comfortable flat to a kitten heel, kitten heel to a court shoe, court to a [ring the alarm] STILETTO. See? There’s a method to my madness people.

While yes, Clogs are certainly not very attractive, they are indeed a step up from Crocs. I could handle seeing some of our more fashion-imparied amigos clomping around in Clogs for a while if it meant them not seeing a huge piece of rubber swiss cheese as appropriate footwear. Sometimes we have to endure a little bad to get to the good.

We have a couple of months to prepare ourselves. It’ll be spring before these bad boys burst onto the scene. Let’s all brace ourselves for the loud sound of wood, clogs falling off (stockings are terribly slippy on the wooden insoles of a clog. Accidents can and will happen) and random beatings by clog. But we can get through this together. Remember, if the end result is the end of Crocs, the Clog is a movement we must all get behind.

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Posted in fashion | 18 Comments »