Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
The Hoodie Footie
In the name of all things good and holy, what in the onesie hell is this?! I refuse to believe that any woman can sit at home, see this come on an infomercial and think ‘that’s a good look.’ This has to be a piss take. And yet, look how happy the woman in the pic is to be wearing it. I ain’t mad at ya honey, get your pay cheque. It’s hard out here on these streets and crack prices just keep skyrocketing. Do what you’ve gotta do. Say someone rings your doorbell, do you answer wearing that? Those are some giant balls you have, my friend. This is wrong in more way than I can count. Looking at it makes my head hurt.
This just makes me want to punch babies. Wrapping a big bit of coloured styrofoam around yourself to feel like a hug? Never, not even on my darkest, loneliest nights would I ever consider this an option. In the infomercial, it gives the impression that this is something you should send to your significant other, in your absence, instead of say, something a normal person would send – like flowers. Let me tell you something, I wish someone would try to send me this crap. I would wrap that piece of trash around the delivery man’s neck and pull til he got the message. What the hell kinda of gift is that?! You better take your ass to the petrol station and get some on-the-verge-of-death flowers!
The Slender Shaper
So you wanna lose weight? Here’s an idea: how about your laze around your house with a vibrating Hello Kitty fanny pack stuck to your pot belly? Yep, that’s gonna work. Alternatively, you could turn the TV off (to avoid the temptation of any of the above products) and just take your fat ass (and the rest of you) to the gym. And put that Snickers down while you’re at it. Just a thought. Does anyone ever even take a moment to consider how ridiculous anything featured on an informercial looks? Why are you OK with being a grown woman and having Hello frikkin’ Kitty strapped to your midsection like that’s normal? You’re not the bill payer in your house are you? Because I’m gonna need someone with an ounce of sense to take over those duties for you. Put the remote down! OK, now come here – let’s hug it out with the Hug-e-Gram. Everything will be alright,
Monday, February 8th, 2010
The world tests me daily. How I navigate life without throwing unstoppable bitch slapping fits every day is beyond me. The leggings trend came, then refused to die, then had the audacity to one-up itself in nastiness by bringing out the wetlook legging – through all that, I managed to not assault anyone. Then there’s Uggs – for years I’ve watched people shuffle around like their feet are in two loaves of bread. I’ve verbally abused them, but managed to lower my bitch slap hand (at least when there’s police around). But this? This right here my friends, is how I know someone has made it their mission in life to make me lose my mind. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, the Pajama Jean.
This infomercial has made me want to quit life. Just give me five minutes in a room with the douchenozzle that came up with this concept, I swear, just five minutes! How? Why? What in the [insert expletive of choice here] is this all about?
Sweats are too shabby looking, jeans are too uncomfortable, so you combine both to come up with the Pajama Jean. I get that you’re trying to imply that the comfort level of this monstrosity is equal to that of pajamas, but do you know what you’re really doing here? You’re encouraging people to wear this crap to sleep in, wake up in the morning, roll out of bed and go straight to the grocery store like nothing happened.
This culture of being comfortable all the time has gotten out of hand. Sweats have a particular purpose, so do jeans – I fail to see how the two are combinable. Do you often feel the need to do cartwheels in your jeans? Are you working out in your True Religions? No? Then why do you need your jeans to feel like sweats?
Why the heck can people not seem to distinguish the difference between what is acceptable house wear and what is acceptable every-day-running-errands-looking-like-a-grown-up-put-together person wear? When I leave the house, I like to feel as though I made an effort to do so. The Pajama Jean takes our culture of laziness to an extreme level – it’s teaching you to cheat the system. Effort is not required, stay comfy. Bollocks to that!
My favourite part of the informercial is when it talks about the features of these Nasty Pants by saying ‘They even have pockets! And brass rivets, so they look like they’re made by an expensive European designer!’ At this point, I think I can just sit back, ’cause somewhere in France, Karl Lagerfeld just spat out his champagne, mobilised the French Foreign Legion and ordered them to hunt and kill any lazy bitch caught wearing this shit.
I also like when it says ‘if you order now, we’ll throw in this T Shirt! That’s a whole outfit!’ Really? A grey T Shirt and some sweats disguised as jeans is a whole outfit? In which universe?
So, consider that a warning. If I see any of you wearing these, you better have them on so you can run from me easily, ’cause either me or Mr Lagerfeld are ready to kick your ass.
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
OMG you guys. So, by now I’m sure you’ve heard the crushing news that Jon and Kate’s (of Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame) marriage is on the rocks.
In case you’re unfamiliar with these reality TV whores, they had twins and decided to have fertility treatment to have ‘just one more.’ ‘Just one more’ turned out to be sextuplets and a reality TV dream was born.
If anyone has ever watched the show, it’s not much of a mystery why the relationship is over. Poor Jon hasn’t been able to finish a sentence in ten years.
It’s been reported that Jon’s been having an affair. If that’s the case – more power to him. He should be rewarded with a gaggle of virgins for putting up with that madwoman wife.
I’m not sure which of them came up with the bright idea of having fertility treatment after having two kids (but I’ll take ‘Bitchy Women Named ‘Kate’ For 100′). Greedy buggers. Are you trying to show off exactly how much a human stomach can expand? We all saw it Kate and we were all equally disgusted.
But I think we all know the real reason Jon has stepped outside the marriage: Kate’s hair. What the fuck is going on there? That long sweeping bang at the front and the short, spiky punk party at the back? There’s entirely too much going on. Short, long, highlights – arrggghhh make it stop!
So Kate, the key to saving your marriage clearly lies in a good hair stylist.
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
Look at Brad there. Nature was pretty kind to him, wasn’t it? And look how well he turns himself out. All dapper and wait…hold on a minute. Take your eyes off his pretty face for a second. Scan down, look at his left hand. Is that…a pinky ring?
A frikkin’ pinky ring? Really Brad? Were you recently promoted to ‘Boss’ in the Soprano family? Or are you now a rapper? Because those are pretty much the only two scenarios in which a pinky ring is even remotely acceptable and even then, you kind of look like a douche.
And it’s not just Brad. Recently, I’ve seen regular guys, who I’m assuming are not mob bosses or rap superstars, donning pinky rings. This is a dangerous trend that we cannot allow to slink into mainstream society. Why? Because it starts with a pinky ring and it’s a slippery slope to a sovereign ring, unbuttoned shirts, out of control chest hair and medallions, that’s why.
So fellas, unless you plan to go out and whack somebody, or you’re about to spit a mean 16, kindly refrain from donning a pinky ring. And even if you are about to whack somebody or spit a mean 16, I’m sure you can find some more appropriate attire in which to do it.