Posts Tagged ‘bitch please’

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I have a problem with my girlfriend’s sister being spoiled rotten and rude. My girlfriend and I bend over backwards to help her through her college studies, boy troubles, life problems, etc., in the hopes that she’ll see how much we do for her, but to no avail. My girlfriend and her sister now live together and I spend a sizable amount of time there sharing space with both of them. The other roommates feel that they can complain to me constantly about the sister being a terrible roommate because they know I am close the situation.  We are all 21+ and thus should be mature and respectful, however the sister burns bridges everywhere she goes and blurts awful profanities to her family and myself whenever she’s not laughing at her family for their mistakes.  Her family just ignore these outbursts when they occur, become upset and lecture my girlfriend to not bring bad feelings to the dinner table whenever she points out that her sister is being awful.

I can handle it when all of this goes on around me but does not include me. However, I have a problem when she is a bitch to me to my face and I can’t say or do anything about it. I am studying to be a research chemist and professor, and I expect respect from the people in my life, especially from people who know my future plans. My girlfriend is very sweet and caring and doesn’t deserve any of this abuse, nor do her family or I. Unfortunately I have no idea what to do besides just ignore these instances until she is no longer in our lives and attempt an out of sight, out of mind approach. I am very methodical and logical, and not nearly as emotional as these sisters.  My question is, can I do anything from the position of boyfriend of the sister?

Sincerely,

Frustrated Boyfriend

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Dear Frustrated Boyfriend,

What is your stance on violence? I feel like a few swift backhands could resolve this situation.

I am, of course, joking. A bit.

This chick sounds highly douchtastic and I commend your patience. I’m surprised you say she’s over 21 because she seems to have a severe case of Spoiled Brat Syndrome.

There are a number of things you can do as the boyfriend to help ease this situation.

1. The sisters should not be living together. Clearly that’s doing nothing but piling crap on an already crappy situation. Suggest your girlfriend move out. Or set fire to the sister’s room. I kid.

2. The roommates complaining to you – shut them down. Plain and simple. Don’t entertain those conversations and throw fuel on their bitchfesting fire. Let them know that if they have a problem with her, they should tell her about it. No dude likes to be hurled in the middle of girly nonsense – hell, most girls don’t like to be in the middle of it either – so just shut it down and say they’re talking to the wrong person, which they are.

3. You say you don’t like it when she says things to your face and you can’t do anything about it. Umm, WRONG! Again – Shut. It. Down. People only treat you the way you let them. It would be wise for you to tell her once, firmly (yet not argumentatively) that you, for want of a better phrase, ‘don’t play that shit’ and she should really take her nonsense elsewhere.

4. Freeze her out. This chick is a brat. An attention seeking little brat. The more you react to it, object to it, kick up a fuss about it, the more she gets just what she wants – attention. Ignore her, completely (and hopefully the rest of the people she’s attempting to tie up in her little game will do the same) and watch how quickly her attitude seems to change. Funny how that happens when people wind up with no friends.

5. Extract yourself. The sister is a pest. Clearly you don’t like her, your girlfriend doesn’t seem to like her much either, so just extract yourselves from the situation. Don’t hang out with her when you know all she’s going to do is spout an endless stream of bullshit that will piss everybody off. And it is here that I refer you back to point 1, which is that your girlfriend and her sister should not be living together if they want to avoid breaking each other’s jaws at some point.

So there you have it. In a nutshell, shut it down! The sister appears to have all the power in this situation as people are condoning it by not saying anything. Shut her down, ignore her, remove yourself from the situation – simples. She’ll find Jesus about two weeks after that and be begging everyone for forgiveness.

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you have a problem and need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in relationships | 5 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Monday, October 25th, 2010

Dearest Bangs,

I have a friend (not a good friend, more of a regular acquaintance) who absolutely honks. Now, I’m not talking foul odour once in a while (we all have smelly moments), I’m talking the most rancid smell you can imagine, pretty much on a daily basis, to the point that sitting next to her makes me gag. She wears the same clothes, day in day out, and never does any laundry! My friends and I have all noticed the smell (everyone does) but no one has the guts to say anything to her. We don’t want to hurt her feelings, but we are getting really fed up coping with the smell. Also, we don’t want other people to think we all stink.

She has had a boyfriend for 18 months, and he probably should say something about it…. but he doesn’t seem to mind. Basically, my question is: how on earth do we get her to stop smelling badly without being cruel?

Sincerely,

A. Noseholder

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Dear A. Noseholder,

Well, this is a tough one. Most people are gonna say just tell her she reeks and be done with it, but let’s be honest – it’s not that easy, is it?

I once had a good friend who seemed immune to showering on a regular basis. She had a somewhat musty odour that was hard to take. I didn’t feel as though I was close enough to her to tell her, but there were discussions about it among the group of friends which made me think other people who don’t know her as well must discuss this too and the thought of someone speaking about your friend like that is  pretty awful. So given my time over again with that friend, I would probably find a way to mention it, even if it meant I was in the bad books for a while.

There are people though who are wildly over sensitive and cannot take the mildest form of what they perceive as criticism (although this isn’t really a criticism so much as a helping hand). I suspect any grown person who doesn’t understand the importance of bathing daily has issues over and above simply not being able to make a decision about which soap to buy. Just as being overweight is symptomatic of deeper emotional issues, so is this. So, whichever way you do it, you must be careful.

You mention that she wears the same clothes day in and day out, so there may be socioeconomic factors to consider here too. You could go the classic route of buying her a nice set of soaps and bubble baths for her birthday and maybe even spring for some clothes, if that’s something she can’t afford. Either way, you want to avoid the ‘she stinks and that’s gross’ angle, even when discussing it with friends – the fact is, no one may truly know or understand this girl’s circumstances.

In the meantime, I’d talk to the boyfriend. Let him know you’re concerned, other people have mentioned it too and you don’t want people to talk about your friend behind her back. If they’ve been dating for 18 months, he’s probably one of the closest people to her and she may take him saying it to heart more, as it may be seen as bitchy coming from her girlfriends.

Tread carefully young grasshopper.

Smooches,

Bangs

xo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in life | 8 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I’m just about to hit my mid-twenties, have a fantastic job (though often long hours) and so many wonderful friends. I feel like I’ve reached a stage in life where I’m confident with my body and looks (most of the time). I’m sleeping with a guy who’s in the same group of friends. He was honest pretty much from the start and said he doesn’t want anything serious and to be honest, I don’t need anything serious either with my job and after a disastrous last relationship. So even though I’ve not really been in this situation before, I’m pretty happy with it… I think.

The problem is, I feel lonely. I have so many friends who I always see but I think I’m just craving comfort and somebody to be there for me sometimes. Obviously the situation with the guy doesn’t help this because I kind-of get the comfort I want but not really. I know I can be on my own too- I went travelling alone and it taught me a lot about myself.

I’m one of the only single girls I know, and I’ll never resent my friends because they’re all in fantastic relationships, but I think it has just highlighted how lonely I feel right now. I got out of a bad relationship at the beginning of the year and I wonder if I got into it because I wanted the comfort- it was only 3 months long thank god!

I spend time wondering if I’m doing the right thing by sleeping with this guy, but I try to listen to my gut feeling which is telling me to carry on- I can’t get away from it. I don’t know if it’s helping things though.

I guess I’m trying to work out how to deal with this loneliness. (I’m pretty sure by now that that is the problem). I don’t want to get into a relationship just because I feel lonely, I wasn’t looking for one when I met this guy, though I do like him. Another friend recently asked me out on a date, and although he is lovely, I don’t see him that way so haven’t taken up the date offer. I’m not just going to date someone because I feel like I want some comfort.

Is spending time on my own the best way to deal with this? Do you think that that is the problem? And will sleeping with this guy actually make the problem worse?

Sincerely,

Part-Time Lover

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Dear Part-Time Lover,

You’re having some pretty classic feelings there amigo. Firstly, as you’re approaching your mid-twenties, I want to assure you that these feelings will not kill you. I’m in my late-twenties and in the same place and I’m still here – so rest easy on that front. Not that I’m implying that this can drag on for years, I’m just saying.

So what I’m hearing is that you’re kinda content with your situation but not really, you don’t want anything serious but you are lonely and kinda want the comfort of a relationship. What you have there my friend, are the classic symptoms of singles remorse. You see everyone around you in their happy, fluffy relationships and you want one too. That’s understandable. But at the same time, you’d like to be comfortable in your singledom and maybe just get some on the side. Also, perfectly understandable.

Firstly let’s tackle the elephant in the room: the fella you’re sleeping with (I’m not saying he’s fat, or that he’s hung like an elephant trunk – he may very well be both of those things, who knows, Jesus, I’m gonna get back on topic…) I’d say, in general, when you’re not entirely sure what you want, it’s best to not dive too deep into the casual sex pool. Though we’d like to think we are, women are not wired that way. Whether we like it or not, we don’t have the same ability to separate emotion and sex as men. I’m not saying we can’t do it, it’s just harder for us. So, while you enjoy sleeping with him, he’s told you he doesn’t want anything serious. You on the other hand are craving ‘comfort’, which to my highly trained ear sounds like ‘a relationship’. You will, at some point, want your tender sexual moments to morph into spooning, then dinners out, then holding hands in the street – you will want more – and then get pissed off at him when he reiterates that he doesn’t want anything more than the occasional bit of nookie. If you genuinely feel you can handle it, then fine, continue, but you’ve gotta be honest with yourself. Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self. Trust me, take it from someone who’s had more than one boogie at this dance.

How do you tackle your loneliness? Well, first of all I’d change the way you’re viewing it – as a negative thing. Why not turn this into a positive? This is a time where you can really focus on you. When you’re married with kids you will crave a time when you can be as gloriously self-indulgant as you can be now. Take yourself out, treat yourself, find new hobbies, join groups – do everything you want to do and more. You can have yourself a blast without having to give two craps about anyone else – that’s my idea of bliss right there homeslice!  You’ll be so busy you won’t notice you’re alone. And right there in the midst of all that, some dreamy dude is gonna emerge when you least expect it and give you all the ‘comfort’ you need *cue Barry White music*

Bottom line – enjoy yo’self!

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in relationships | 8 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Dear Bangs,

As you are my hero of straight talking and seem pretty clued up on the old social netoworking, I’d really like a bit of guidance. You see, I’m having Facebook stress – I could do with a bit of a ‘Facebook Etiquette Guide’. There’s probably a whole book right there, but there’s a couple of issues I would really love your advice on;

De-friending – when is it appropriate? Should you inform the person of the reasons or just go for the ‘de-friend and block manouvre’?
Friend requests – should I just decline or can I send an email detailing how, as this person spent the best years of my teens bullying my flat chested self, they can eff right off?
Business Page – how do i politely decline my customers who add me as a personal friend (I just find it weird)

Also, I often find myself wishing there was a ‘dislike’ button for when (insert name here) is on it like a car bonnet, or (insert name here) can’t believe her little boy just missed the potty. Is there an appropriate comment ever to be made to these people? Or does it bring me back to point one, de-friending.

As you can see, I am floundering in a cyber-sea and really need Bangs to throw me a copy of ‘Facebook for Dummies’

Much Love

Face Stuck

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Dear Face Stuck,

You’ve come to the right place my friend. I should warn you though, I’m a bit ‘take no prisoners’ in the Facebook game. Now that we all spend so much of our time online, friendships are changing, morphing and there is a whole new etiquette that comes along with it.

Alright, get your pen and paper ready and we’ll begin (that was a test – of course you don’t need  a pen and paper. This is the internet. Keep up).

Defriending – When is it appropriate? Basically whenever you feel it. I take particular joy is removing all those Farmville and Mafia Wars playing mofos from my friends list. If I find people’s updates annoying, offensive, too frequent, non-sensical – they’re gone too. I don’t bother to give them an explanation. Fact is, most people won’t even notice. I’ve only had it bite me in the ass once when I deleted a guy who’d been displaying particularly douchetastic qualities – he sent me a series of messages about how petty I was being (which really only served to make him look both petty and insane). However, if you feel a bit funny about deleting your Aunty Jane from your friends list, despite the fact that she may annoy the bejesus out of you, remember you can always opt to ‘hide’ their updates – that way the person can think they’re still friends with you, without knowing you actually can’t stand their ass.

Friend requests – I decline without a second thought. Every now and then I do get the people who clearly hated me at school trying to add me. I simply say ‘bitch please’ out loud while declining said request. I wouldn’t give it any more thought than that – however tempting it may be to pen a four page letter detailing the various way in which they can go f**k themselves.

For customers who try to add you on their personal page rather than your business one – just straight up decline and if they ask, just say you use your personal page for close friends and family only. Not sure what line of work you’re in, but it’s usually best to keep the two separate.

As for a ‘dislike’ button for people’s irritating status updates, I have wished for the very same thing numerous times. Sometimes, when people do those stupid and unnecessary updates about their kid’s potty habits, I will leave a comment like ‘thank God I know the frequency of Lil James’s bowel movements – I can sleep easy tonight’ or words to that effect. But generally, those fools are the ones I don’t even think twice about defriending.

Hope that helps – for a few extras, I did a video blog a while back about Facebook etiquette. Enjoy!

Smooches

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in life | 9 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I’ve come to you with a problem that rears its ugly head every time I meet a new guy for a potential relationship.  We’re getting on well, there’s plenty of flirting, there’s even intellectual conversation, we’re liking each other, I’m beginning to think this one could work out and then wham!  He asks for saucy snaps.   They start off innocently but give an inch, and the demands become outrageous.  I said no to my last ex and he didn’t ask for them again but I must admit, I have been foolish in the past, hence learning from my mistakes.

It’s always by text messages because to this day, I’ve not met a man who’s got the guts to ask face-to-face.  The arrogance that comes off the texts is off-putting and the strops even more so.  I’m not a prude at all, I just find the whole thing really cheap!  If you want me, show me some respect and you’ll get your prize in the flesh but documenting photographic evidence that could potentially cause me damage in the future is not the way forward.  Besides it makes me feel very uneasy.  What’s so fulfilling about a picture?  Is it just something for their cyber trophy cabinet?  I also realise the moment things take a diversion, it’s difficult to get back onto the main road and resume normal services.

I’m running out of ways to slither out of these sticky situations without damaging the foundations of a relationship.  I don’t wish to be blatantly rude (that’s the last resort) and be branded a bitch, I’m just asking for a little respect.  Perhaps I should limit the texts or not text back for a few days.  I just want to know what to say coyly and sweetly without making it obvious.  On the phone he’s sweet, polite, just generally lovely but on text, he turns into a sex pest!

At the end of the day, if he gets arsey about it, I am dignified enough to walk away. Maybe other girls have been more accommodating but he’s not with any of them now, is he?  I’m sure none of my friends have had to deal with this so why does it feel like it’s just me?

Far From Prudish

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Dear Far From Prudish,

Ahh, this is a problem of modern times if ever there was one. And I agree, it is one big bowl of awkward sauce when it is asked.

I think you’d be surprised how many of your friends have had to deal with it, but just aren’t saying because it’s a pretty embarrassing subject. Oftentimes, if you’re asked enough, no matter how uncomfortable you feel, you might do it just to get the guy to shut up (don’t ask me how I know that).

It’s become a kind of pre-cursor to sex. Perhaps they just need something to keep them entertained until we agree to sleep with them, but really that’s what porn and their right hand are for. I genuinely think guys don’t realise how off-putting, awkward and disrespectful it is to ask a girl they’re dating (or attempting to date) for those kind of personal photos. They are, quite simply, thinking with their penis, as so many men are prone to do.

It ties in with how sexualised our society has become. Men have an extraordinary sense of entitlement when it comes to all things sexual – and why wouldn’t they? It’s everywhere. They go to the corner shop, there are porn mags, they go online and there will always be a girl willing to twitpic a picture of her ass for some attention. So they feel they’re justified in asking. And it’s not just guys who are trying to date us. I once had a guy say hello to me a couple of times on Twitter, then ask for pictures of my ass. Excuse me, what?! I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that he was barking up the wrong tree with that one.

So, how should you tell him to back off? Firstly, I would be sure to do it in person rather than by text, to avoid any confusion or misinterpretation. Just politely say ‘You know what? It makes me quite uncomfortable when you ask me that. I’m really not going to send you saucy pics and I’d prefer it if you stopped asking me.’ I think you have to be somewhat blunt in these situations. Shut it down, otherwise, it just invites more discussion, which will get annoying and eventually piss you off to the point when you will snap and most likely, bitch slap him.

I must say, I find your attitude of ‘not wanting to be blatently rude’ or ‘being branded a bitch’ and doing it ‘coyly’ and ‘sweetly’ a bit baffling. These guys are not exactly doing you the same courtesy, are they? The fact is, it is disrespectful for them to ask and you need to let them know that. You don’t need to be rude but you DO need to be assertive.

If he continues to ask, well, you know where it’s going. But he sounds like a nice guy, so will probably stop once you make your feelings clear.

Smooches

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in relationships | 9 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Dear Bangs

There’s no denying that you are the queen of straight up advice.  If you are able to offer any words of wisdom for my predicament, I would be most grateful.

One of the girls I went to high school has recently decided she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore.  I’m not sure of the exact reason, because she cut me off without so much as a phonecall or a coffee to discuss what her issue is with me.

Now while she doesn’t have the balls to talk things through with me face to face, she seems content to tell every single other person who has ever walked the Earth what’s going on.  In fact, she recently sent an email to (at least) 10 of our mutual friends describing in great detail why she doesn’t want to be friends with me.  I haven’t read it, but have had more than one friend as describing it as being “essay length”.

I should add some further clarity to this matter and say that she decided “I can no longer be in her life” over 5 months ago.  The email was sent in the past month.

I flip-flop between a couple of emotions. If I’m perfectly honest I’m still mourning the loss of a friendship.  On the other hand, I want to sucker punch the girl, as she seems content to do whatever she can to make my life a living hell and drag this situation out (case in point, her recent email).  We are in our late-20′s, but she seems to have forgotten we left high school.

Unfortuantely, I can’t simply cut this bitch out of my life due to our mutual friendships.  This means I’m forced to see her on every birthday, baby shower, christening, BBQ and dinner party.  At said events she likes to do whatever she can to make me (and everyone around us) uncomfortable.  If we are at dinner and I make a comment she goes out of her way to ignore me, roll her eyes or some other action which justifies her overall feeling of superiority over her.

Other than bitch-slapping this woman what do I do?  Do I play her game?  I need some coping strategies because at the moment I honestly dread the thought of attending an event when I know she’s attending.

Cheers

Trying to cope with the Frenemy from hell

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Dear Trying to Cope with the Frenemy From Hell,

Well first off, that bitch needs to grow the f*ck up. What kind of lame nonsense is that? Seriously!

I don’t know your background with this chick, but honestly, by the sounds of things, she ain’t that great a friend. I understand where you’re coming from when you say you’re mourning a friendship. I had a good friend of mine stop talking to me out of the blue last year with no explanation. It hurts. But, while he hasn’t told me what the issue is (and I’m sure I must have done something to piss him off, though for the life of me, can’t figure out what it is), he has not sent essay length emails to people slagging me off either.

Given the fact that you share mutual friends, her actions here are deplorable and beyond juvenile. This is life, not some popularity contest where you try to get to all the friends first to get them on  your side. What utter bollocks.

So what can you do? Well, you said ‘aside from bitch slapping’ in your letter, so without that, I’m fresh out of ideas. I kid, I kid. My advice would be, kill her with kindness. Don’t make any attempts to contact her – she’s clearly craving a big showdown, which she will no doubt use to further convince your friends that you suck. On occasions you do see her, be pleasant, but don’t suck up. Don’t confront her, don’t respond to her eye rolls and off hand comments – the more you just rise above it and be unaffected, the more she digs her own grave. The more you don’t react, the more your friends will conclude that Miss Bitch 2010 is kinda making a mountain out of a mole hill and crying for attention.

Don’t give the bitch the satisfaction of letting it get to you. I realise all of that is much easier said than done, but in the long run, it’ll work.

If all that fails, just bitch slap the crap out of her.

Smooches

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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Posted in relationships | 8 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Friday, August 27th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I’m an independent, single mother who hates to ask for help from anyone. Because of this, I had a tendency to date guys that didn’t  have a pot to piss in. I felt better if I was the breadwinner because I didn’t want to have the feeling of owing anybody anything.  This outlook basically made the guys wither up and die on my couch. I got rid of them one by one because they never showed any motivation to do anything with their lives. I decided to focus on finding an equally contributing partner, where we’d both pull our weight.

I married a man that seemed to be the complete opposite of all these guys. He seemed to have his life together and told me he was ready to settle and begin building a future. He travels with his job and is gone about a week at a time. Everything was great between us until after marriage. Now he is worse than all the ones I dated before. He still works, but I have to practically pull his share of the bills from him and sometimes he doesn’t let go. When he gets back into town, he doesn’t come home until 4 or 5 in the morning. I find condoms and loose Viagra pills in his pockets. I used his phone to make a call one day and he had 12 different girls texting him sexy messages. He had Voicemails of girls crying and pleading with him to respond and how they would do anything to be with him. We didn’t live together before marriage so none of this was evident to me, otherwise it would never have happened.

I am not asking how to change him. I’m straight-up divorcing his ass. I used to think the guys were the losers, but I’m starting to think it’s me because I am the only thing that is the same in all these relationships. What do I need to change about myself to stop allowing these men into my life?  Am I too confident or secretely insecure? I’ll be 30 soon, so would really like to understand what is going on with me that causes this incompatible attraction. I’m not a woman that gets so wrapped up in a guy that I can’t function when he hurts me. I feel the pain, but I don’t see the point in trying to patch things over just for him to do it again. I let him go and move on. How do I improve myself to attract a new and improved partner? Thanks for any advise you may have. I appreciate your straight to the point, no BS approach to helping people get back to reality.

Sincerely,

S.M.G

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Dear S.M.G,

If ever there was an email that could’ve been written by me, this would be it. Well, aside from the marriage and kid thing – but I totally hear you on the dating of douchenozzles front.

I have been there many times over. Why do we get involved with them? Well, speaking for myself, as much as I love my singledom, the truth is, sometimes I just want some company. Up to this point in my life, since I haven’t been too sure what I want on the relationship front, I haven’t really laid out my specifics when I got involved with someone. So, I meet a guy, he seems alright, we get involved and as time goes on, his douchy ways inevitably reveal themselves, but oftentimes, I’d overlook it because I was never really trying to get to serious anyway, right? Then not too long after that, I’ve had enough, the relationship’s done and I’m back at square one.

My advice? You’ve taken the right step already in acknowledging that you are the common denominator in the situation. These guys and these relationships wouldn’t be happening if we didn’t let them. I too, am at the phase where I’m trying to figure myself out and what’s going on with me for me to have consistently have been in bad relationships. I can tell you outright not to do what I’m doing, which is basically hiding because I’m petrified of getting involved with anyone again only for the same thing to happen. Don’t do that! All I can continue to do right now is work on me til I feel the time is right. That’s what I’d advise you too.

Simple steps would be to make sure you’re punching your weight when you meet someone. You sound like you have your shit together, so clearly, if you’re meeting someone who’s on the dole or has a thousand hair-brained ideas that never come to fruition, well, you’ve been there, done that and you know you simply shouldn’t entertain it. When you feel like you have a guy who’s on the right track, talk! Talk through your plans, goals, aspirations and ideas, make sure you’re on the same page and want to move in that direction together. If he’s not willing to entertain that discussion, then he’s not the one.

Trying to find the right fit is tiring and frustrating and sometimes, along the way, we’ll settle, just to have some company and affection in the meantime. But I think if you’re honest with yourself, as I have been, you knew early on in your relationships that something wasn’t right and you ignored it hoping it would get better. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Your gut never lies to you.

So, looks like we’re in this together my friend – hang tight, don’t rush, work on you. I have faith that when the time’s right, a guy will tune in to my frequency and blow my mind with his awesomeness. I have a feeling one will for you too.

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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I’m shortlisted for a Cosmo Blog Award in the Sex & Relationships category – voting closes at the end of August. Please vote for me! Thank you!

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Posted in relationships | 8 Comments »

The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

I have a guy in my life who is a man-whore – I knew this the moment I met him, but I was instantly attracted to the ‘bad boy’ – older man, more experience, so hot, you know the type.

Anyway, we’ve hooked up in the past and it was mutually non-exclusive. Of course I got a little jealous of the parade of other girls who were very vocal about their ‘relationships’ and I pulled my hat out of the ring - I don’t want to be his number one, but I certainly don’t want to be number 452 or someone that’s used as a last ditch effort to get laid.

I stopped communication with him and true to player style, he didn’t even notice and I started getting over it, realising that I am so much better without the drama…until one of his friends started talking to me. Suddenly I’m back on the radar and getting texts about how it’s been so long and we should hook up again.

Problem? He talks a big game and never follows through. He says we’ll meet up and then we never do. He’ll string me along until he knows I’m into it and then ignore me for days and tell me I’m crazy when I ask if we’re getting together. So now I’m all messed up because I was getting over it, then he pops back up, all great and sexy and now he’s gone away again. Why do I let him get under my skin??

I shouldn’t care, but my heart can’t take much more. I’m a smart, sexy, (mostly) confident woman and I don’t get what gives him the right to treat me this way. I want to get rid of the douche bag once and for all. How do I get over this without coming out on the other side with serious emotional wounds?

Thanks for your help,

The Played and Disheartened

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Dear Played and Disheartened,

We’ve all been with this guy. Not literally this guy, but actually, from the sounds of things…

This guy sounds like Douchus Maximus, Lord of the Douch, King Pharaoh Douch, if you will.

So, let’s dig in to the fundamentals: he’s your classic Alpha Male. Satisfaction and reassurance for him comes from the quantity of girls he can get. He’s the very definition of an attention whore. You meanwhile, I think it’s safe to say, are slightly on the insecure side. Deep down, you most likely want this guy to get rid of all the other chicks and just be with you. It’s alright, don’t worry – we’ve all been that girl with that pipe dream. Well here comes your tough love bitch slap, you ready?

IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!

I know you know that. You’ve quit him before. So to answer your question ‘what gives him the right to treat me this way?’ – YOU DO! He wouldn’t do it if you didn’t let him. I know exactly what you’re doing: you’re creating little boundaries and rules for yourself that you think will protect your heart and help you maintain some sort of aloof distance (I won’t return his call tonight, I’ll only text him at this time, I’ll only meet him if he calls me by this day), but in the end you forget all of them when he shows you a scrap of attention, because a scrap is all you can get.

And it’s not even anything to do with you. I have no doubt that you are awesome. How do I know this? Because I am awesome and have fallen for the same kind of dude (sadly, a fair few times) before. What do you do to protect your heart and get out of the situation? Cut him off – plain and simple. It’s really up to you.

How much longer are you going to let him embarrass you like this? How many more ways does he need to show you he’s not that into you? Take charge! Focus on you! Treat yourself a little better. You get back what you put out there. If you’re putting it out there that you like to be walked all over, some guy will no doubt come along with a big old shoe.

Smooches

Bangs

xoxo

If you’re in need of some no nonsense advice, email bangs@bangsandabun.com

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The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Dear Bangs,

Men don’t find me attractive.

What do I do?

Yours Sincerely,

Clearly A Minger

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Dear Clearly A Minger,

Come here. Come on…nestle yourself in my bosom for a second and let me give you a hug. *strokes your hair* OK, now stand back for a second so I can bitch slap you. It’ll sting for a moment, but it’s for your own good.

OK, now listen here, we’ll have none of this talk, you hear me?! I have no idea what you look like but I highly, highly doubt you are a minger. And if you think you are, well then, let me consult page 1 of my ‘Psychoanalysis For Beginners’ handbook and tell you, we’ve located 99% of the problem right there.

I wrote about my personal struggle with my looks recently and was overwhelmed at the reactions of people sharing similar stories. In my youth, I always considered myself the ugly one – no fellas ever glanced in my direction. Gradually over time, as I became more comfortable with my features and God forbid, actually started to like them, I noticed a shift. It’s a simple equation, once I liked myself more, other people liked me more.

I’m by no means suggesting that the struggle for personal acceptance, especially when it comes to looks, is easy. I know first hand how hard it is. But that is where you must start. In order for men to find you attractive, you must first look at yourself that way. I know you don’t – you described yourself as a ‘minger’.

So what can you do? Find a full length mirror, strip down to your undies and look at yourself. Really look at yourself. Now, how about this time, instead of pointing out all your flaws, you focus in on the things you like. Even if right now you only like your pinky toe, you better heap praise on that pinky toe like it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen! Go on, no one’s watching, it’s just you and the mirror. Try to find at least five things you like about you, looks and personality wise.

Next you should pamper yourself, spoil yourself, treat yourself. Forgive yourself for ever thinking you were less than. You and yourself have some making up to do. Make a playlist of your favourite songs, put on your favourite outfit and go out and strut. This is Operation Feel Good. You need to spend some time getting good with you. Once people see you have confidence in yourself, they’ll have confidence in you.

I’m not dating right now and there are days when I feel no one of the opposite sex has even noticed my existence, but not for one second will I allow myself to think no one finds me attractive. When the right guy finally finds me, I’ll be glad all those others were blind!

Hang in there – it only gets better.

Smooches

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email The Bitch Please Advice Column at bangsandabun@gmail.com

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The Bitch Please Advice Column

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Dear Bangs,

My brother has this girlfriend that was ok to start with, but the longer they’ve been together the more I can see she’s a user. He does absolutely everything for her, which would be fine if she was a nice girl, but she isn’t. She does nothing to recipricate his actions and just takes, takes, takes.

It would be fine if that was it, i’d leave them to it, but he keeps inviting her out when we go out, telling me I should take her to places when I go on nights out with my friends, even to the point of suggesting I buy her stuff when I go shopping and he’ll reimburse me!!! (I’ve done none of these things I hasten to add)

My brother and I are pretty close so i’ve bitten my tongue so far, but I’m close to errupting!!

What should I do?

Sincerely,

Pissed Off Sister

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Dear Pissed Off Sister,

According to data gathered by myself, it is a statistical fact that sisters are right 99.7% of the time. That same data also suggests that brothers don’t know what they’re doing 62.8% of the time, make bad choices 47.9% of the time and are straight up idiots when it comes to girls 74.3% of the time. I have been told that this data is not wholly reliable, but it was my brother who said that and as we can see by the stats, that instantly vetoes his point of view.

Anyway, back to you. What can you do in this situation? Unfortunately, pretty much nothing. As much as it sounds like your brother is getting rolled over by a tractor trailer, covered in a steam roller, buried under a fork lift truck, it is his decision. If he’s not complaining, don’t go in there, guns blazing, talking about your beef. Nobody cares and that’s a soap opera waiting to happen.

As far as you taking her places when you’re out with friends, if you’re uncomfortable around her, don’t bother. You should make an effort to be pleasant , just for manners sake, but she ain’t your sister-in-law so it’s really not that serious. As for your bro suggesting you should buy her things, I should come round there and bitch slap him myself for that one. How about hell-to-the-no? It’s all well and good if your brother wants to treat her every now and then, but he needs to get a grip if he’s funding this girl’s entire existence without batting an eyelid.

If things come to a head, I suggest calmly explaining to your bruv that his girlfriend is just not your type of person and you don’t particularly like the way she treats him, as such, you’d rather not spend a lot of time with her. Explain that you’ll be pleasant, but you don’t plan on going above and beyond. That’s all you can do. Don’t harp on the subject, but you should definitely mention it. Sounds like your bro is wearing rose tinted glasses and doesn’t really get that he’s being rinsed dry.

Sadly, he’s gonna have to learn the hard way and come to that conclusion himself.

Smooches,

Bangs

xoxo

If you need some no nonsense advice, email bangsandabun@gmail.com

———————————-

NOMINATE ME!

Cosmopolitan has launched its Blog Awards and I would be so grateful and honoured if you would take a moment to nominate  Bangs and a Bun in the ‘Lifestyle’ category. It only takes a second and I will love you long time if you do. Click here and make my day. Thank you!

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Posted in relationships | 7 Comments »