Monday, October 8th, 2012
Our internal dialogue is a funny ol’ thing. It takes us on a journey each and every day – bigging us up during our triumphs, sending us into wallowing states of despair at other times, that pesky little voice dictates how we feel about ourselves for better or worse. Many let the words of others weigh in on their personal value but I disagree – people should really be able to say whatever they want about you, but it’s only how you feel about yourself that matters (I’m not saying people should be complete assholes to you but ultimately, how that effects you says more about you than them). What I’ve noticed, especially among women is that the negative voice chatters loudly away under the surface and I got to thinking the other day, why are we so mean to ourselves?
Wednesday, June 13th, 2012
Ahh ladies, we’re a complicated breed. We really are. I don’t know what it is or why we do it, but it seems we often have wars going on with each other. As if the every day trials and tribulations of this roller coaster estrogen-fest we’re on isn’t hard enough, apparently, we feel the need to throw a few spanners around and complicate it for each other. Nowhere has this been more evident to me of late than with the mother vs non-mother divide. There are weird vibes man and I’m not entirely sure what it’s all about, but I’m here to see if we can’t all align our chakras and calm the hell down.
Monday, October 25th, 2010
I have a friend (not a good friend, more of a regular acquaintance) who absolutely honks. Now, I’m not talking foul odour once in a while (we all have smelly moments), I’m talking the most rancid smell you can imagine, pretty much on a daily basis, to the point that sitting next to her makes me gag. She wears the same clothes, day in day out, and never does any laundry! My friends and I have all noticed the smell (everyone does) but no one has the guts to say anything to her. We don’t want to hurt her feelings, but we are getting really fed up coping with the smell. Also, we don’t want other people to think we all stink.
She has had a boyfriend for 18 months, and he probably should say something about it…. but he doesn’t seem to mind. Basically, my question is: how on earth do we get her to stop smelling badly without being cruel?
Dear A. Noseholder,
Well, this is a tough one. Most people are gonna say just tell her she reeks and be done with it, but let’s be honest – it’s not that easy, is it?
I once had a good friend who seemed immune to showering on a regular basis. She had a somewhat musty odour that was hard to take. I didn’t feel as though I was close enough to her to tell her, but there were discussions about it among the group of friends which made me think other people who don’t know her as well must discuss this too and the thought of someone speaking about your friend like that is pretty awful. So given my time over again with that friend, I would probably find a way to mention it, even if it meant I was in the bad books for a while.
There are people though who are wildly over sensitive and cannot take the mildest form of what they perceive as criticism (although this isn’t really a criticism so much as a helping hand). I suspect any grown person who doesn’t understand the importance of bathing daily has issues over and above simply not being able to make a decision about which soap to buy. Just as being overweight is symptomatic of deeper emotional issues, so is this. So, whichever way you do it, you must be careful.
You mention that she wears the same clothes day in and day out, so there may be socioeconomic factors to consider here too. You could go the classic route of buying her a nice set of soaps and bubble baths for her birthday and maybe even spring for some clothes, if that’s something she can’t afford. Either way, you want to avoid the ‘she stinks and that’s gross’ angle, even when discussing it with friends – the fact is, no one may truly know or understand this girl’s circumstances.
In the meantime, I’d talk to the boyfriend. Let him know you’re concerned, other people have mentioned it too and you don’t want people to talk about your friend behind her back. If they’ve been dating for 18 months, he’s probably one of the closest people to her and she may take him saying it to heart more, as it may be seen as bitchy coming from her girlfriends.
Tread carefully young grasshopper.
If you need some no nonsense advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, December 7th, 2009
We’ve all met them at some point in our lives. Women who proudly declare they don’t get on with other women. This seems to be their conversation opener when speaking to other ladies. It’s almost as if they’re letting you know upfront that no friendship will blossom here, on account of your lack of a penis.
‘Women are bitches and there’s too much drama,’ they say. This, of course, pretty much instantly lets you know that she was, most likely, the cause of the bitchiness and drama in whatever female pack she used to roll with.
These women usually fall into two categories: the tomboy or the chick who thinks she’s a model. The tomboy will say she just naturally gravitated towards boys due to her rough and tumble ways as a child and had trouble relating to girls as a result. This I can understand. The model on the other hand, will claim two things; that she was the victim (excluded, picked on) when she was younger and when she got older, other women felt threatened by her beauty, she couldn’t stand the cat fights, so she decided to hang with a bunch of dudes.
It is this woman who gets the extensive eye rolling and a ‘bitch please!’ from me. That attitude represents the worst of what women have to offer. Female friendships are not without their complexities. There isn’t a woman reading this who hasn’t wanted to go a few rounds in a boxing ring with one of their closest friends at some point. An underlying force in female friendships (and sometimes not so underlying) whether we like to admit it or not, is competition. From a young age, it’s all ‘she has longer hair than me, nicer clothes, bigger boobs, a nicer figure,’ whatever the case may be. It can be a constant battle to keep our emotions in check and be a good friend.
Men on the other hand, high five each other, pound a few beers, scratch their nuts and get on with life. Oh, if only it were that simple for us.
The beautiful woman who thinks that every woman is jealous and secretly hates her, frankly, needs to get over herself. The fact is, as a beautiful woman, choosing to surround yourself with only men and having no female friends means there is no competition. And that speaks volumes. So no, it isn’t who you consider to be ‘lesser women’ who are insecure and jealous. It is you yourself who is riddled with insecurity. Surrounding yourself with men who drool over you rather than women who might say ‘your mascara’s a mess and your dress is too short’ is testament to that.
I have a mix of friends and I can’t see making it through life without my ladies. I can see someone saying they don’t get on/avoid friendships with crackheads, criminals, sociopaths, but women? There are certain things and situations that you can only hash out with your closest girlfriends. These are important relationships. Sure, difficult at times, but important nonetheless. And bypassing that so you can be the centre of attention in a pack of males, well, you’re missing out. Plus men die first, so when you’re 80, who’s gonna be drooling over your rack?
No, you need some girlfriends, sweetie.
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
The complexities of female friendships is one of life’s great mysteries. Sometimes our male counterparts will ask us ‘why the hell are you friends with that bitch?’ The older you get, the more you whittle down this list. But at some point in your life, you’ve had all these characters as your friend.
The Ride or Die Friend
You’ve known her for years. She’ll cry with you through the break ups, hold a bucket for you to puke in when you’re sick, vacation with you and have your back through whatever. Sure, you’ve had your share of blow ups, but she’s on your team. She’s part of your history, she knows the jokes and isn’t afraid to call you out on your bullshit.
The Party Friend
This friend could have just gotten out of a coma and she’ll still call you to see if you want to go out that night. She parties like its her profession. So you know that if you’re ever at a loose end for someone to go out with, call party friend and she’ll come running. Sure, you’re fairly certain she should be in a rehab facility at this point, but if she can get you on the guest list, who cares, right?
The Perma-Relationship Friend
You rarely see this friend because she always has a boyfriend. The only time she’ll make time for you is when the boyfriend is out with his friends. She mentions her boyfriend an average of six times per sentence, in case you forgot she had one. She does this to remind herself and everyone around her that someone finds her attractive and is willing to sleep with her. Her every move/mood/decision in life is built around her man. You are not so much ‘friends’ with her as much as you just tolerate her.
The Slutty/Boy Crazy Friend
She gives her number out to about five guys per week and loves to moan about how all these dudes are chasing her. She’s quite the attention whore and always has her sights set on someone. Lock up your boyfriends around this bitch! You can tell she’s just a poor, low self-esteem having, misguided soul, so you try to talk sense to her and introduce her to hobbies other than sex. This is who Perma-Relationship Friend turns into when she’s single.
The Wise Owl Friend
This friend is usually a little older or just a little wiser than you. This is who you go to for the deep discussions. No topic is off limits. You can dig into the deep stuff and she’ll always give you food for thought. She recommends books for you to read (better yet, you can join her book club!) and you always leave your meet ups feeling enlightened on some level. She usually sees you better than you see yourself.
The Bitch AKA The Frenemy
You’re never sure why you’re friends with this chick. She constantly makes sly digs at you, goes after your men, buys the same outfits as you, applies for the same jobs. She talks behind your back and denies it. But there’s a whole other side to her that’s fun and charming, so you let that outweigh her bitchy side for a while, until she does that one unforgivable thing that makes you punch her in the windpipe and kick her to the curb.