Wednesday, October 27th, 2010
Try as I might to avoid it every year, Halloween just doesn’t seem to want to go away. I don’t get the fascination. I don’t really get the fancy dress craze in general. Surely the satisfaction wears off after the initial two seconds that someone acknowledges the ‘genius’ of the outfit you put together. Then what do you do with the rest of your night? You’re bandaged up like a mummy and can’t even use the bathroom unattended. Hardly seems like the height of glamour. But what really bothers me is that Halloween is now essentially just a giant slut fest.
Seriously, you can’t get any more imaginative than a naughty nurse? A cheerleader? A catholic school girl? *Yawn* When every two bit drunken skank is roaming the streets this weekend dressed like that, whose eye are you hoping to catch. And God forbid you do catch some dude’s eye (who will no doubt be dressed as either Bill Clinton or the Incredible Hulk, which seem to be the only two male Halloween costumes available) what exactly does that say about him? Will you have to pull off the catholic school girl look three times a week for the rest of your life in order to get laid? That’s too much of a commitment.
Also, ladies you should probably be aware that when you dress fairly provocatively every other day of the year, the only way you can push the envelope come Halloween is to rock up to the party completely buck nekkid shooting bottle tops out your hooha. Why do you think your cleavage busting out of a tight PVC number is special on Halloween when you dress like that on any given Tuesday. Bitch please. Try harder.
I just don’t get what dressing up is bringing to the party table. Good music, some booze and cool people are what make a good party in most cases – what is the addition of costumes really doing? Great, you dressed up as Lady Gaga. *shrug* Oh, you’re Snooki from Jersey Shore? Awesome. *awkward silence* *tumbleweeds* If anything, I imagine that’s actually more of a party killer than anything else.
But really it just comes down to when do we grow up, you know? There’s certain things that are for kids and we should just let them have it. Halloween is one of those things. Stop trying to steal their trick or treat limelight. Let them just annoy people with the ringing of doorbells and begging for candy. Why try to upstage them with your nip slips, PVC and giant afro wigs? And while we’re at it, stop trying to steal April Fools from the youth too. It’s not fair and it’s not right. Just grow up already!
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
With Halloween fast approaching, I thought I’d give you all a few costume ideas that are bound to make you the talk of the party. I’m a giver like that.
Jon & Kate Plus 8
It’s ambitious but could be pulled off with some commitment.
What you’ll need: The ‘Kate’ will need to either grow out her fringe/bangs very long, or for quicker results get a fringe/bang weave. The ‘Jon’ just needs to wear a sweater vest and look like a wanker. The real challenge here is the hiring of the eight half-asian little people you’ll have to get to follow you around everywhere.
Cost: Clothing cost should be minimal – just aim for Walmart chic. I’m yet to look into the cost of hiring eight little people, but with the Jon and Kate divorce, the half-asian little people market is probably booming right now, so it could get costly.
The self-proclaimed ‘best rapper alive’ has had one hell of a year. It mystifies me why, but he has nonetheless. Go to a Halloween party dressed like him, people will give you awards just for showing up, much like people have given him awards seemingly just for being alive this year.
What you’ll need: This look works best if you’re 5’2″ or under. You should also be skinny, nay, scrawny even. Next step is to get your child/niece/nephew/young cousin to draw random shit all over your face and body. Throw on as much gaudy jewelry as possible. Clothing wise, a hoodie that looks like you just threw up on yourself is good, but Lil Wayne often goes shirtless (which completely befuddles women, but whatever) so you can forego the hoodie if need be. Perhaps a wife beater, some skinny jeans that sag under your butt cheeks and wear colourful boxers.
Cost: Minimal. Borrow your little sister’s skinny jeans, a few magic markers for the tattoos, some boxers. A few loaned bits of your grandma’s jewelry, don a dreadlock wig and you’re good to go.
Kanye West & Taylor Swift
Kanye’s moment stealing moment was his high point of the year. It’s all anyone could talk about for at least 48 hours – time to capitalise off that bad boy.
What you’ll need: If you’re playing Kanye, find a barber who is known to smoke illegal substances at least twice daily and let him loose upon your hair. The end result should resemble a fucked up crop circle on your scalp. Clothing wise, a simple black shirt, some jeans and some trainers that look as though they were made by and for two year olds. You’re all set. For Taylor, any skinny, blonde white girl will do.
Cost: El cheapo. The only real expense is the haircut and you can pay that barber in weed. Skinny, blonde white girls are a dime a dozen. If you’re playing Kanye, don’t forget to interrupt your Taylor whenever she tries to talk throughout the party.