Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
You know me, you and Law & Order SVU go back like car seats.
I was surprised that when you got out of prison in Oz, you managed to get a job with the police department (wait, what? That was a different show? Whatever), but I’ve been rolling with you ever since. Usually I get my daily fix of you on the Hallmark channel, but sometimes they like to act up and put other, lesser cop shows on there like Without a Trace and really, who cares where all those people are disappearing to? They can stay untraceable for all I care. I need that dramatic ‘dong dong’ between the scenes of Law & Order. It syncs with my heart beat, just for you Elliot.
You know how I know I love you Elliot? Because I even forgive you when you wear denim on denim. That’s love. Though I must say, I prefer you when you’re in a shirt and tie, shirt sleeves rolled up, yelling in some perp’s face. It moves me in mysterious ways.
We need to have a chat about Olivia though. First off, she’s entirely too good looking to be on the police force. Who’s crazy idea was it to employ her and how does anyone get any work done in her presence? Anyhoo, here’s the deal; I get that you’re trying to do the whole good-Irish-catholic-husband thing, I do – but I’m gonna need you to sleep with Olivia. And this is coming from someone who forgives you wearing denim on denim, so you know this is from a place of love. I can stand the sexual tension between the two of you no more. Just get it over with already! You don’t even need to have a steamy love affair. Just a quicky is your boss’s office or something – whatever it takes to clear the air.
Granted, I may have been watching the same four seasons of Law & Order: SVU since the beginning of time, so maybe you have already been a little freaky deaky between the sheets. If so, you can ignore this whole thing.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. Until next time…keep locking up those bad guys, lover.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
I’d like to discuss for a moment, if I may, boobs. Specifically, these ones:
Holy mother of God!
Now lets pretend I’m not talking about Aretha, because it’s almost blasphemy to do so, but this titty situation must be addressed.
Do you see how that spaghetti strap is holding on for dear life? It defies the laws of physics how something so small can hold something so big. Each one of those puppies must weigh at least 20 pounds. Aretha wants R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Shit, how can you not respect someone heaving around 40 pounds worth of chest every day?
Just as I use the term ‘Olsen’ as a unit of weight measurement (based on the assumption that one Olsen twin is equal to roughly 75 pounds), I hereby christen boobs of this magnitude ‘Arethas’.
It takes a real woman to look at her fun bags (when they’re bone fide ‘Arethas’) and say to herself ‘I’m gonna forego the bra today and rock a spaghetti strap.’
For this reason, and so many more, Aretha Franklin, I salute you.
Law & Order: VFU (Void Filling Unit)
Man, I love me some Law & Order: SVU.
I have a tendency to get obsessed with certain TV shows. I’ve been obsessed with The Wire since the first season and while waiting for the latest episodes to be uploaded online, my attention has shifted to Law & Order: SVU.
I’m a fan of all the Law & Orders really. I especially like the ‘dong dong’ bell thing that signifies a new scene. I like to imagine it in my own life. Me waking up, ‘dong dong’, cut to me walking to work, ‘dong dong’ cut to me furiously tapping away on my computer. Maybe at some point, Ice T could pop up and arrest me or something.
I was into Law & Order: Criminal Intent for a while, but the main guy in that gives me the night terrors.
There’s just something about SVU. The Christopher Meloni/Mariska Hargitay combo is a winner. I like how he gets up in peoples faces and shouts during the interrogations and her, well, I just like how her hair changes every season. Though in real life, if female cops were as ridiculously good looking as she is, crime would soar ‘cause every perp would want to be arrested by her. (Do you like how I used the word ‘perp’? Yeah, I know, I’m all over this lingo).
But one of the main reasons I like SVU is seeing how characters from some of my other favorite shows pop up on there.
Christopher Meloni was on Oz, a previous obsession of mine. The priest and the crazy Nazi dude from Oz have both been on SVU as psychotherapists.
The guy who plays the judge on The Wire has appeared on SVU a couple of times. Cedric Daniels of The Wire was a doctor on SVU and also played an undercover cop on Oz. Are you following?
Maybe it’s just all about Oz withdrawals. When on earth will there be another show with excessive male frontal nudity? It’s been far too long.
I think I’ve pretty much exhausted the SVU back catalogue at this point. Those new eps of The Wire can’t get on the net fast enough.