Posts Tagged ‘let’s talk about sex baby’

Dirty Talk

Monday, August 17th, 2009

 

I really can’t stand to hear people talk about sex; their sex lives, how much sex they’re getting, how little, how they wish they were getting it. I don’t care. It’s none of my business. It bothers me more when women do it. I get that we’re all liberated now, but what ever happened to having some class? 

 

Some things are just meant to be kept private. When women get into new relationships, it seems like the first thing they want to do is give their girlfriends a break down of their sexual activity complete with a schedule of how much they’ve been doing it and what days they intend to do it next. We get it, you’ve been swinging from the chandeliers. On a side note, no one actually has chandeliers, so I call bullshit on that whole idea and if you do have chandeliers, you have very questionable taste, so you should spend less time doing the nasty and more time with an interior decorator. 

 

I had a friend who once told me of her boyfriend’s (who I’d never met) erectile difficulties. I listened, because I was trying to be a good friend, but the whole time I thought it was completely inappropriate for her to be sharing that tidbit with me. When I finally met the boyfriend, what do you think I was thinking about? 

 

I’m no prude by any means. I just don’t think it’s necessary to have a round table discussion with your 18 closest girlfriends every time you get some. 

 

You know who I blame for all this openness in female sexuality? Lil Kim. From the second she came on the rap scene she’s just been nasty. Here’s some sample lyrics from her song ‘Gimme That’:

 

I got the tightest, rightest vagina
Even got my name on the menu at the diner
Guys extend G, with my goodies
I’m the only bitch in the world that got two pussies
Sex Queen Bee and no bitch could come after
Dudes stay hard, don’t need Viagra
My beehive gags ya, when it grabs ya
Pussy get wetter than the whole Niagara

 

I hear these lyrics and I think, ‘my, what a classy lady.’ You’re on a menu at a diner Kim, really? I’ll get a Lil Kim with a side of gonorrhea to go please. I’m not even going to address the fact that she apparently has two vaginas. She really needs to see someone about that. Are guys listening to that and dreaming about the day they get a piece of that? Be careful fellas, because her ‘beehive’ grabs ya and it’s wetter than the whole Niagara. 

 

If I’m talking to a guy and he starts talking about how wonderful his bedroom activities are, I give him two thumbs down, a high five and I head for the hills. Everyone knows, if you’re talking about it, you’re not all that spectacular. 

 

So, how about we all go back to a simpler time, pre-Lil Kim, when people actually kept their business to themselves? Sex should be between you and your partner (or you, your partner and a third party, should you choose to get down like that. Or you and a horse like that dude in the States who got arrested for that recently…but I digress).

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