Wednesday, March 13th, 2013
Ahh love. We all want it, nay, need it (according to John Lennon). But it sure is complicated, ain’t it? Finding it, staying in it, navigating it – no one ever said it was easy. But you know what? When you find the right one, it clicks – sure there are still ups and downs, but when you find your partner in crime, the two of you get in a groove and it works. But in the process of getting there, people often make lists of things they require in a partner. Many people list themselves right into a corner. Stick to your list all you want, but you may just miss out on ‘the one’ purely because they don’t quite tick all the boxes.
Monday, September 10th, 2012
There are times in life where everything just goes a bit ‘blah’. We get stuck in the same old routine and it’s almost like we hit cruise control. We see the same people on the same bus at the same time, we know the order of the guy we see every day in Starbucks (mocha-choca-voulez-vous-couchez-avec-moi-ce-soir-latte) and we’re tired, so very tired. I reached a point recently where I noticed I was just letting things happen around me. I’d become disengaged and this spilled over into every aspect of life. I just felt unproductive. I had to make a change. I decided I needed to address how to be more productive and generally, just how to feel good again. So here’s what I did:
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
This woman recently gave birth to her 18th child. It’s heart warming that the local psychiatric unit let her out on day release to pop another one out.
What the hell is wrong with this woman? Apparently, she and her husband never decided how many children to have. (Clearly!) ‘We just let God lead our lives’, they said. Well, Jesus, Mary and Joseph are laughing it up right now, I tell ya. You would think that after say, six, hubby might reach for a box of Trojans and say “let’s try something new tonight honey. It’s a little something I like to call ‘contraception.’”
This woman has spent, basically, her entire adult life having sex and being pregnant. Who has that kind of time on their hands? And can it really even be classed as ‘giving birth’ anymore? I mean, things must be pretty loose down there at this point. I imagine babies just fall out of her when she walks. Her vagina must be somewhat like the Euro tunnel – things just shoot through there at great speeds.
She’s an old pro now (literally – she’s only 44, but she looks 67). Her womb has clearly been put through its paces. There’s nothing it can’t handle. I think the obvious next move is for her to start renting her womb out. Get in line bitches! I have a few things I’d like her to give birth to for me.
Somewhat like a Christmas list, I’d like this woman to grow the following things in her uterus for me and just pop them out at her earliest convenience:
1. a career
2. some Christian Louboutins shoes
3. a savings account (complete with roughly $10K in it)
4. a ridiculously nice apartment
5. the second coming of George Clooney
6. that USB memory stick I lost last year
7. the straight version of that hot latino fella who lives downstairs
8. a walk in closet
9. a flat screen TV
10. and since she’s so good at it and probably wants to show off some more, I guess she can pop another small human out of there, if she has the time.
So, crazy lady with the tribe of children, if you could get on top of that list and email me when some of them are ready for delivery, I’d be much obliged. Mkay, thanks.
Sunday, December 9th, 2007
As an English person living in North America, one thing that never fails to amaze me is the fascination Yanks and Canucks have with my accent. When I first moved here, the attention it garnered (not to mention the play from the fellas) was quite flattering. But now, it’s just annoying. Every time I open my mouth, people want to know my life story. I might just have to run to the store for some milk but if people catch even a hint of my accent, they want to engage me in a 10-minute conversation.
I appreciate the interest, but sometimes, I have places to go and things to do, so can’t indulge you in the lengthy ‘ask a British person’ interview you had prepared.
And so here, I have put together a helpful guide for North Americans of things you should steer clear of doing/saying when you meet an English rose such as myself. (What can I say? I’m a giver)
1. It’s fine to ask where I’m from, but when you get the answer, must you tell me that your second cousin twice removed’s husband’s next door neighbor’s babysitter went there two years ago? Seriously, people actually do this. What is my response supposed to be? I’m smiling on the outside, but completely baffled on the inside.
2. Never ever ask if we’re Australian. The two accents sound completely different. The key difference is that when Australians talk, everything sounds like a question.
3. I’m sorry to be the one to break this news but no, we don’t all eat cucumber sandwiches.
4. We’re not tourist information. We don’t all have an infinite knowledge of our country. I’m a city chick. Telling me you’re going to the Cotswolds on your next vacation means pretty much nothing to me. That’s like you telling me you’re from New York and me saying I once went camping in the back woods of Mississippi. Where’s the relevance?
5. Please do not try to use the word ‘bloody’. It’s a very British thing. We appreciate the effort but you never use it in the right context and it’s kind of cringe worthy.
6. The same goes for ‘wanker’ and ‘bollocks’. You have your curse words. We have ours. Let it go. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve tried to explain ‘bollocks’ to people only to get completely lost while pointing out that if something is ‘the dog’s bollocks’ it’s good whereas if something is just ‘bollocks’ it’s nonsense. Why would a dog’s testicles be considered a good thing? I don’t know! It’s just an expression OK?
7. Not everything stops at four o’clock for tea. We drink it all the time, not to a set schedule.
8. With reference to the above; if you’re trying to have this conversation with us while we’re buying milk, that usually means we have the kettle on and are dying for a cuppa. You should know better than to disturb a British person at a time like that.
9. Please don’t call our accent ‘cute.’ Puppies are cute. Accents? Not so much.
10. Please do not mimic our accents. It’s embarrassing. And you sound nothing like us. We don’t all sound like the Queen.
So there you have it. Now when you meet an English person, you can bypass all that bollocks you were going to waste 20-minutes talking about and get down to the more important issues of the day like where to go for a cuppa and what the hell happened on that camping trip in the back woods of Mississippi.