Thursday, October 10th, 2013
When I was single, I thought I knew everything about relationships. The ones I was having and everybody else’s. I was vocal about it – piping up at any available opportunity spouting whatever bit of Oprah-esque advice I felt suited the situation. Yes, I was that douchebag. What I failed to realise though, is that my opinion on how others choose to conduct their relationships is exactly none of my business. Your relationship is just that; yours. So before you choose to divulge information about it or give advice on someone else’s, you may want to consider keeping your mouth shut and your nose out of it.
Wednesday, February 20th, 2013
I wrote about the documentary Catfish when it first came out. Recently, I’ve been seeing the term ‘Catfish’ bandied around online more and after some investigation, discovered the guy behind the Catfish documentary, now has a TV show of the same name on MTV. For those of you unfamiliar with what exactly ‘Catfish’ means, it’s when people have an online relationship and it turns out one (or both) of the parties involved aren’t exactly everything they made themselves out to be. Ahh, people making up false identities online – always a good time. Or not, as the case may be. And I know this, because….dun dun duuuunnnn….I once got Catfished.
Tuesday, April 10th, 2012
Love came to me unexpectedly and I guess, by some standards, at age 29, rather late, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. For me, everything had aligned perfectly over the years to lead me to this one person who’d I’d been waiting for all along (I fully understand if you all need to take a moment to puke here, I almost do myself). My early twenties were a minefield of dating disasters – each one worse than the last and I’m grateful I never took any of them too seriously. When I see young couples now, 20 years old making plans to buy houses and settle down, I can’t be the only one thinking, ‘whoa! Slow down!’, can I?
Tuesday, February 14th, 2012
Valentine’s Day is one of those days that people either love or hate. I’ve always felt that if you love someone, you shouldn’t need a special day dedicated to expressing it. But hey, with the world the way it is right now, we could do worse things than celebrate love. I’m no expert, admittedly, but through my many failed relationships (both real and imaginary), I know what love isn’t. So I thought I’d share those little nuggets with you today.
Wednesday, August 10th, 2011
I was born in Canada, raised in Leeds. From the age of 13, all I ever dreamed about was living in London. So much so, that when it came time to apply for University, I applied for one and one only: The London College of Fashion. I wanted nothing else. It was there or nothing – which made it all the more embarrassing when I didn’t get in. But after a slight glitch and a year of begging, they finally changed their minds and off I moved. I was finally here. I was 19 years old and every day I was in awe of the city, everywhere I went I felt like I was on a movie set. I was in love with it. I was home. I’ve since lived a few places around the world, but I never shook the ‘London’ out of me and have finally gravitated back. As I type this now, helicopters circulate overhead, faint sirens can be heard in the distance – the full impact of the London Riots have only just begun to be felt.
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011
I don’t know anyone who hasn’t endured some sort of bone-crushing, all-encompassing, life changing heart break. It may have been brought on by one ex or many, but it can change your whole outlook on life. Of course, you don’t really admit that – you go through your crying phase, your angry phase, your missing them phase and finally, your ‘over it’ phase, but all too often we carry the pain amassed from those experiences for far too long, preventing us from living a healthy single life, or God forbid, actually being open to someone new because ‘all men are the same/all women are bitches.’ But what happens when that right person does come along?
Thursday, September 24th, 2009
I would never claim to be an expert on relationships, but the one thing I’ll never understand is when a woman has 1001 complaints about her fella and when you ask why she’s still with him, her response is always ‘because I love him.’
‘He has all these annoying habits….but I love him.’
‘He smokes and I can’t stand smokers…but I love him.’
‘He slapped me that one time…but I love him.’
‘He always puts me down…but I love him.’
‘He never makes time to see me…but I love him.’
So let me get this straight; basically you can’t stand his ass, but because you ‘love him’ that cancels everything else out and you stick around? BITCH PLEASE!
Oh how I wish more of us could have greater self esteem and sense. I don’t know who you think you’re fooling, but since you can’t tell yourself the truth, allow me to help you out: it’s not even about you loving him, it’s about you not wanting to be alone. You cannot stand the thought of being single. God forbid! So, rather than take that chance and actually work on yourself a little bit, you’ll put up with whatever is thrown at you just so you don’t have to experience the horror of the single life.
And boy, is it awful. Let me tell you, as a single girl, I am completely shunned by society and treated like a leper. It is a horrible, horrible existence. *eye roll*
I’m sure this applies to some men too, but I’ve truthfully never met a man with a very high tolerance for bullshit, so I don’t tend to come across too many fellas crying into their beer about ‘but I love her!’
When did ‘love’ become the ultimate excuse to tolerate any kind of behaviour? Personally, if a guy is being a complete wanker to me, it’s pretty clear cut and I won’t keep him around that long. And to all of you ladies reading this and saying your classic follow up line whenever someone points out your stupidity when it comes to matters of the heart: ‘it’s not that easy’ – everything in life is as easy or as hard as you want to make it. You just have to make the decision.
So next time you try to justify your man’s stupid actions, think twice before dropping the ‘but I love him’ defense. You’re not doing yourself any favours.
Monday, January 19th, 2009
You know what gets on my nerves? A whole lot of things, that’s what. But today, it’s destination weddings. No, I’m not having one (because it’s pretty much a certainty at this point that I will die alone) and Praise Jesus I don’t know anyone stupid enough to have one. They just irk me.
Tuesday, September 30th, 2008
Woman dates guy. Woman finds out that guy is seeing another woman. Woman calls the other woman to give her a piece of her mind.
If you’ve done this, first and foremost, your mind isn’t big enough to be giving pieces away. You need to hold on to that shit.
I don’t get why women do this. What useful purpose does it serve? There are a few different situations that lead to the girlfriend’s crazy choice to pick up the phone:
a) guy is cheating with a woman who has no idea he is in a relationship (because some men ‘forget’ that they’re sleeping with someone else when they meet someone new)
b) guy is cheating with a woman who knows he has a girlfriend (so the chick is a skank who makes stupid choices, somewhat like you for still being with a man who cheats – doesn’t really warrant a phone call)
c) guy is cheating with a woman who is a friend of his girlfriend (oh no they di-ent! Yes they did. Again, doesn’t really warrant a phone call)
The common denominator in all these situations is the dude. How about throwing a little anger in his direction?
Let’s take situation A. Trust me, the other woman in this situation really doesn’t want to hear from your crazy ass. She didn’t even know you existed and, generally speaking (if she has a moral compass) will have no further interest in your loser boyfriend, especially now she knows he associates with a psychopath like you. You need not worry that she will continue their torrid affair. Why are you speaking to this other woman? Unless your man’s penis is made of a pure cut diamond, nothing is worth this embarrassment.
I had a friend who found out that the guy she was dating, actually had a girlfriend he’d been with for about 8 months before meeting her. The girlfriend found out about my friend, somehow tracked down where she lived (we’re not sure how – goddamn Google) and scratched the word ‘hoe’ into her car. There’s nothing worse than a woman scorned except maybe, an illiterate woman scorned.
I can understand that it’s an emotional punch in the gut to find out your fella is cheating. Believe me – I get that. But seriously, try to take a step back, some deep breaths, do some downward dog, whatever the hell you have to do to get your head around the fact that your man betrayed you. The other woman in the situation is irrelevant. Your man did you wrong. He lied to you. He cheated. The other chick doesn’t even know you and whatever she has to say, doesn’t take away from the fact that clearly you and your guy have some issues.
Now, with situations B and C, the girl clearly lacks some morals, but she still doesn’t need a phone call from you getting all Dr Phil on her ass. Situation C is tougher because there’s a double betrayal, but the world will not stop turning if these two individuals cease to be in your life. Once you weather the storm, you’ll realise that. But please try to weather the storm with some dignity and class. Through all the arguing and screaming, just pause to reflect on what you’re fighting for. A man who doesn’t want you and a shitty friend.
Think. Hang up. Pack your bags. Move on. No revenge sex with one of his friends. No slutting it up to prove a point. Just take a time out, heal and in due time, you might find someone who will not shit on you from a great height.
Ahhh, love is such a beautiful thing, ain’t it?
Sunday, September 7th, 2008
Given the complete shit storm that was my last relationship, I’m a little anti-romance right now. Maybe in time (when I can bear to be around someone with a penis for more than five minutes, without wanting to sucker punch them) it’ll pass. But in the meantime, anything to do with romance or relationships makes me want to gauge my own eyes out.
Nothing induces more eye-rolling from me of late than TV ads for internet dating sites. A bunch of happy people who all found their ‘soul mates’ and can’t stop professing their undying love and happiness – bitch please! I keep awaiting the giant thud I’ll hear when they come crashing back down to earth. It’s a relationship – someone’s gonna fuck up somewhere, eventually, that’s just the way it is.
The ad that reaches new heights of annoyance, is one featuring Joshua and Tanyalee, who met on a popular dating site (if you’re anything like me, you’ll find those names annoying enough).
I’m not sure how long Joshua and Tanyalee have been together but they are soooooo unbelievably in love. They wax poetic on it in this three minute commercial.
Here’s some of the highlights, the gems, if you will, that they offer about why they are so perfect for each other and soooooo unbelievably in love:
“Our first conversation, we talked on the phone for six and a half hours!”
Who the hell does this? That’s one hell of a cell phone plan you’ve got there. Where can I get me one of those?
“Then we saw each other and it was an instant connection, we just clicked!”
Of course you did – you’ve been talking to each other for six and a half hour stretches, checking out each others profiles on line to be sure the other person doesn’t look like a farm animal and emailing back and forth for however long. Unless the other person has six fingers or something, there’s not much room for error in the personal meet and greet after such an epic build up.
“Everything we do together is fun!”
Give it time my friends, give it time. That weekly shop at the farmers market is gonna make you want to kill each other one of these days.
“We once stayed up all night, took a six foot canvas, she painted one half, I painted the other and it just came out amazing!”
They then show the finished painting and rather than thinking of the love they poured into it, you just think ‘it took you all night to do that?’
“There’s a part of my life that felt like she should have been there the whole time. The past doesn’t matter – she’s here now.”
At this point in the commercial, I am knee deep in my own puke, so I’m not sure what happens after that, but undoubtedly it’s just more drivel about their perfect lives, how that website made it all possible and how the rest of the world sucks because no one has a love comparative to that of Joshua and Tanyalee’s.
Maybe when I get the puke off myself, I can go out and find me some of that kind of lovin’. Anyone know a good dry cleaner?