Monday, November 30th, 2009
You may not approve of the gangster lifestyle, but one thing that cannot be denied is that a true gangster always keeps his leading lady stylin’ and profilin’.
From Karen in Goodfellas to Kay in The Godfather, these ladies look like they just stepped off a catwalk at all times. That’s what drug and blood money can do for you. You don’t necessarily have to lead a life of crime to achieve this look (it helps, but you don’t have to), though there are some key factors involved in the gangstress get up.
As demonstrated here, to perfection, by Karen Hill in Goodfellas, big hair is a must have. No matter what the occasion, whether you’re chilling at home, attending a wedding, or hiding guns for your man, you should back comb that bad boy like your life depends on it.
Quick side note: Was there ever a more perfect picture of a gangster’s moll? Ginger from Casino, with big hair, lying on a fur coat, in front of all those gems? Hello?!
As we can see, jewellery plays a big part in the wardrobe of the gangstress. You don’t have to wear a lot of it, but what you do wear should be big and gaudy. Earrings should rip your earlobes, bracelets should weigh your arms down and rings should have the ability to render someone unconscious if you knock them out.
Though she gets a big Eurovision ‘nil point’ for the flat hair, Elvira in Scarface always made sure her nails were looking right. To be a gangster’s lady, fake acrylics are just part of the game. Straight up french manicure is all that’s required. It’s not advisable to have your man’s name airbrushed on them.
Carmela Soprano has been in the game a long time. She knows what’s what. Bitches, take note: big hair. Check. Gaudy jewellery. Check. Fake nails. Check. The last part of the gangstress ensemble, is unnatural fibres. Anything you wear should be highly flammable. The top Carmela’s wearing in that picture? If she goes within six feet of an open flame, it’s curtains for her.
So there you have it folks. Follow those four key rules and you can attend your man’s New Jersey court dates in style.
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
Look at Brad there. Nature was pretty kind to him, wasn’t it? And look how well he turns himself out. All dapper and wait…hold on a minute. Take your eyes off his pretty face for a second. Scan down, look at his left hand. Is that…a pinky ring?
A frikkin’ pinky ring? Really Brad? Were you recently promoted to ‘Boss’ in the Soprano family? Or are you now a rapper? Because those are pretty much the only two scenarios in which a pinky ring is even remotely acceptable and even then, you kind of look like a douche.
And it’s not just Brad. Recently, I’ve seen regular guys, who I’m assuming are not mob bosses or rap superstars, donning pinky rings. This is a dangerous trend that we cannot allow to slink into mainstream society. Why? Because it starts with a pinky ring and it’s a slippery slope to a sovereign ring, unbuttoned shirts, out of control chest hair and medallions, that’s why.
So fellas, unless you plan to go out and whack somebody, or you’re about to spit a mean 16, kindly refrain from donning a pinky ring. And even if you are about to whack somebody or spit a mean 16, I’m sure you can find some more appropriate attire in which to do it.