Thursday, April 1st, 2010
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Mariah Carey was recently in the UK and caused a bit of a stir with her allegedly outlandish diva demands. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with asking for 20 white kittens and 100 white doves to be in any room you’re in. I’m also a huge advocate for butterfly-shaped confetti to fall on people during their performances (confetti weighs as much as bricks, right?). I don’t see how or why celebrities reserve the right on diva demands, so I have come up with a few for myself. If you ever invite me anywhere, you better have the following things in place:
- I will only travel in a Fiat Uno, nothing less.
- In the event that there is no Fiat Uno available, I demand to have the front seat on the bus and I will not be moved, no matter how hard an old person or woman with child stares at me.
- I want an endless supply of Party Feet Insoles for when my feet feel like I’m walking across hot coles after a day in my heels. Failing that, perhaps we could have Mr T of the A Team roll with me at all times and give me piggy backs when times get hard.
- My entourage will consist of Gok Wan (because every girl needs her gay), Millie Jackson (because if I was a black woman in the ’70s, I would totally be her) and Sue Sylvester of hit TV show Glee (because I live for her).
- I will need someone to make me tea every hour, half hour – I will need someone to administer tea to me intravenously.
- All lines at the check outs in Primark should be immediately cleared upon my entry. Actually, for the safety of everyone, it’s better that we get everyone out of Primark altogether.
- I need at least 5 bags of yoghurt covered raisins wherever I go. Preferably, these will be fed to me by a hot man who is stripped down to his boxers (do I need to give reasons for this?).
- Someone will wash and blow dry my hair two-three times a week. I don’t have enough arms to blow dry my waist length hair straight. It hurts.
I don’t think any of those are too outrageous. If you could all get to work on fixing me up with my diva demands, that would be great. What would be on your list?
Friday, December 7th, 2007
I understand that ‘Hooker Chic’ has been your look of choice for quite some time now, but have you ever thought it might be time for a change?
It’s clear that you’re in a deep, deep state of denial and are surrounded by enablers who indulge your princess fantasies, so perhaps no one has pointed this out to you but, you’re in your late 30s.
It’s bad enough that you continue to make music (if we can even call it that at this point), but if you must be seen, at least be seen in something a little more age appropriate than cut off shorts and a low cut tank top.
I’ve seen you in clear heels more times than I care to remember. Unless your record company pays you in dollar bills, this is not a look you should be going for. Mini skirts and midriff bearing tops are also out.
How about giving a knee length skirt a try? Or jeans (maybe even wide leg ones), that aren’t two sizes too small for you? Sometimes, leaving a little something to the imagination is good. In your case, all the time would be better.
What pains me Mariah is that you’re filthy stinking rich. You don’t even need to go shopping yourself, you can hire someone to do that for you. If you already have a stylist, fire her pronto. Seriously, give her a good bitch slap (then drop kick her in the face and put her in a choke hold, just so she gets the message).
This routine of you parading around with your tits, belly, ass and legs hanging out is getting really old, as are you. You’re like that embarrassing aunt, attempting to flirt with your niece’s boyfriend at the family barbeque.
So why not do what all the crazy kids your age are doing these days; adopt a child from Africa and become a UNICEF ambassador. That shit you like to call clothing won’t make the grade as ‘humanitarian wear’. Give all your clothes back to the 12 year old you stole them from, throw out the clear heels and go buy yourself something pretty. But remember the golden rule; Thou Shalt Not Shop At Forever 21. Please, at least try, to grow old gracefully.
From one Carey to another.