Posts Tagged ‘meditation’

Ommmmmm

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

I’ve been doing a positive thinking course (stifle your laughter please). It’s at some sort of Buddhist centre. Actually, I’m not sure if they’re Buddhists, but they’re overly nice, calm people who are really positive and do meditation. During each session, our teacher leads us in a guided meditation. I suck at meditation. I’ve tried it a few times and find it impossible. Whatever that ‘stillness’ thing is that people have, I don’t got it.

So while everyone else sits there zoning out, here’s what’s happening in my world:

*teacher turns on CD. Airy fairy new age music comes on. The voice of God (or some dude who sounds suspiciously like him), starts talking, ‘You are positivity, you are relaxed, you are a shining light’ and other such musings*

My brain:

Alright cool. so I’m positive, I’m relaxed, I’m light. This fellas voice is pretty deep. It’s cool how they put that echo-y sound effect on it. That music in the background’s about to drive me nuts already. Jeez, if they want people to switch their brains off and have no thoughts, they should really play some Coldplay. The voice of Chris Martin would put me in a coma or bore me to tears. Can you cry during meditation? Do people do that? Is that allowed? Maybe crying’s reserved for those crazy evangelists who speak in tongues and all that. I’m not into these tights I’m wearing anymore. Liked ‘em when I got ‘em. Not so much now. That fella sitting over there has holes in his socks – bet he thought no one noticed. How could I not notice? There was more hole than actual fabric. How can you let it get to that stage? Seriously guy, how much is a pair of socks? I can’t wait til I can play an actual tune on the piano. I really want to be able to play cards. I’m not sure which game. Maybe Black Jack. That sounds pretty cool. I could work the tables in Vegas. I don’t even know what that means.


I am positivity. I am relaxed. I am a shining light.


Do I have to keep my eyes closed? I can look around and still concentrate and stay focused. I mean, I’m not focused right now, but maybe if I was allowed to look around it might help. God I’m hungry. There’s no need for this session to be an hour and a half. I wish it was acceptable for just icecream to be a staple meal as an adult. I desperately need to cut my bangs. Should I go to Paris for my birthday? Maybe somewhere different. This carpet is really springy. Why are they making us sit in chairs when we could be lying on this plush carpet? What a waste. There must be an iPhone app that can help you meditate. I’m positive, I’m positive, I’m positive. I wonder what Idris Elba’s doing right now. I really want some new shoes. I am literally gonna end up like the old woman who lived in her shoe. My eye hurts. This music is driving me crazy. How am I meant to relax with those same three chords piercing through my soul? Yeah, positive, shining light blah blah. I haven’t been to the theatre in a bit. I really wish I had a French boyfriend. Actually any kind of boyfriend will do. Two legs and a penis, those are my only requirements. But if he’s French then we’re really talking. Or we wouldn’t be ’cause I wouldn’t understand what he was saying, but yeah.

Oh what? Oh we’re done? Yeah, yeah, I feel totally in the zone man. Totally meditated, relaxed, totally channeling my shining light vibes. Yeah.

Tags: , ,
Posted in life | 15 Comments »

The Detox

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008


Last week, in a moment of madness, I decided to do a detox. I researched and found one that I thought would work. Maybe I missed the small print, but it turned out to be a no food diet. 

 

Everything was to be in liquid form. I could drink water. Lots of it. I could drink water with this green formula mixed into it. And water with an antioxidant berry formula mixed in. I could have homemade vegetable soup and I could juice vegetables at lunch time. I don’t know if you’ve ever juiced vegetables, but let me tell you, it doesn’t matter what combination of vegetation you pick to blend together, they all taste like ass. 
This particular detox was supposed to be for 21 days. I realised in my preparations, that there was no way I would last that long. There were seven day and two day options too. I picked the seven day and on monday morning, I started. I kicked my morning off with a glass of water, another glass of water with berry formula in it and some herbal tea. Surprisingly, it kept the hunger at bay. Then, every two hours, I had to have water and tea and either green formula or berry formula. Most of the day was fine, until about four thirty when my stomach began eating itself.
Watching my coworkers have an afternoon snack of chocolate chip cookies (my favourite!), made a single tear trickle down my cheek. I missed chewing. I revised my action plan and decided that for the safety of myself and others, I would now be doing the detox for two days. 
I left work and had to find ways to keep my mind off eating my own arm. Reading through the detox book, it said that detoxing was as much for the mind and the soul as it was for the body. I was reading all these testimonials from people who said they found this unprecedented level of mental clarity. I need some of that, I thought. Maybe I should focus on my mind, as opposed to what this was doing to my body. I decided to try some meditation. 
Now, given, I have not been trained in meditation and on the few occasions I have tried it, I have not been successful. I don’t get how people can just switch their brain off. But to stop my fantasies of tackling the first person on the street I saw with a hotdog, I thought I should try to connect with a higher power. 
Here’s how my meditation went:
ommmmmm. Do people say ‘ommm’ when they start meditating? Who knows? Anyway, peace and harmony, peace and harmony. Don’t think about food. Joy, happiness. Don’t think about food. Damn, I could murder a cookie right now. I could murder five cookies right now. I could murder myself for even attempting this detox. Oh, damn – peace and harmony and all that shit. Ommmm. Ahh, damnit, I forgot to do that thing at work. I’ll have to take care of that tomorrow. I could really use a new jacket. Like a really nice winter jacket. Not a down one. They all look the same. Every winter coat looks the same. Ugh. I bet Vivienne Westwood does a coat that is not the same. I don’t even know where they sell Vivienne Westwood in Toronto. I don’t even know what body part I would have to sell to afford a Vivienne Westwood coat. Maybe I could sell my liver. It’s gonna be mighty clean after this detox. Peace and harmony. Peace and harmony. Higher ground. I would love a cup of tea. Real tea. Not that herbal shit. Who the hell decided it was a good idea to make raspberry flavoured tea anyway? Crazy bastard. Earl grey should be the only kind of tea that exists. Maybe I could turn the TV on. I bet that’s frowned upon when you’re trying to meditate. Project Runway’s about to start though. Tim Gunn can make me reach a higher plain. Oh damnit, stop thinking! Peace and harmony. Happy happy joy joy. OK. Seriously. Stop thinking……………………………………………..Christ on a bike, how does the Dalai Lama do this shit every day? And does he ever wear anything but those robes? At least Catholic priests just get decked out for mass, the rest of the time they get to wear all black – very Karl Lagerfeld when you think about it. I bet the Dalai Lama chills at home in a wife beater and basketball shorts. Mmmm. Basketball. Tall men. Shorts. I need a massage. From a basketball player. In shorts. Or a short german woman who punches my back. Whichever’s cheaper. I’m guessing the german. I love Christmas lights. I’m gonna clean the bathroom after this. I’d like to have a few bonsai trees. Get all ‘Mr Miyagi’ up in here. Who could be my Daniel San? I need to defrost my freezer. Oh, I have that chicken in the freezer. I can make a mean stir fry with that. Shit! Not for the next 48 hours I can’t! Ahh, peace and harmony. Yada yada. Is Project Runway on yet? 

As you can see, meditation is not my forte. I lasted about seven minutes. I did get through my second day of detox however. But on wednesday morning, I woke up with the shakes. The backlash from my body. Let me tell you, cornflakes and my cup of Earl Grey (milk, one sugar) never tasted so good. 

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in life | 8 Comments »