Friday, October 1st, 2010
Fellas, you can’t get it right all of the time. And let’s face it, fashion has been rapidly becoming a crazy, confusing wilderness for you guys. I mean, look at Kanye West. It’s a minefield out there. It’s no wonder you’re baffled. It seems that of late, some of you are just throwing clothes on willy nilly without the mandatory ‘do I look like a douche’ check before stepping out the door. Sometimes you need someone to give you a quick bitch slap and get this show back on the road. Lucky for you, that someone is me. So in case you were unclear, the following are unacceptable. Throw them out:
The Deep V-Neck T Shirt
Why are you subjecting us to this? What are you trying to prove? Are you trying to out-cleavage me? ‘Cause you can’t do that. It’s not fair. If anyone’s chest should be the subject of attention in this equation, it should be mine. There isn’t really a scenario in which this can work. Pigeon chest, few tufts of hair, full carpet-chest, hyper worked-out pecks – all are bad when put in a deep V-necked shirt. There is no way for you to make this look good. Wait, accessorise it with a necklace, you say? I should slap the crap out of you for even thinking that.
For you to wear anything tighter than I would wear it is wholly unacceptable. Who do you think you are? I’ll tell you what I really have no appreciation for: knowing that you dress to the left. The imprint of your nuts is not the first thing I need to see in the morning. If you ever want to procreate, you better cut that shit out. Some of you have taken it so far you look like you’re wearing leggings. What did you spray paint those things on? Jesus. The very image of you doing squats to get those things over your thighs makes me despair for all of mankind. While we’re talking about jeans – stop sagging them. No one wants to see your ass.
Listen, I don’t know who told you it was OK for you to have a hairstyle, but they were blowing the most amount of smoke up your ass. You’re a dude. You don’t have that many responsibilities in life. Stop trying to complicate things by having to ‘style’ your hair. Be a man, damnit! Short back n’ sides or bust! Or just shave it off. Those are the only two acceptable hairstyles for a guy. Anything other than that and you’re letting the ladies know that you potentially take up more bathroom time than us, which is a deal breaker. Plus you’d have to use some sort of product, which potentially takes up our shelf space – also a deal breaker.