Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
A couple of nights ago, I vowed to have a night in, relax and take in some craptacular TV. I flicked through the channels, bored with the plethora of infomercials, news shows and tacky dramas when I stumbled across a little broadcast that caught my eye: Prisoners Out of Control.
People, let me tell you, if you’re looking for entertainment, real life drama and a horror flick all rolled into one, look no further than this show. From the opening real life CCTV shot of an inmate taking a guard hostage, I was hooked.
This hour long freak fest featured footage from prisons all over the world. Everything from fights, stabbings, murders, to full on riots, this show had it all. It really was an education in homemade weapons. If I ever find myself in an Oz like situation, I’ll definitely know how to make a shank out of my toothbrush and take one of these motherbitches out.
It also reaffirmed for me that I never want to be a prisoner, prison guard or even live in the same area code as a prison.
The more I watched, the more I became convinced that this show shouldn’t be called Prisoners Out of Control. It should be called Prisoners Being Themselves. They’re in prison for God’s sake. What the hell else are they gonna do? It’s not like they’re all sitting around in there drinking tea and playing Connect 4. Starting fights in the mess hall, fashioning daggers out of spare materials, setting fires, rioting – all good ways to pass the time when you’re doing twenty-to-life.
Then, when I’d sat through an hour of this, right at the very end, some very serious looking white haired dude came on talking about the horrors we’d just witnessed and said, ‘but the real horror is that a great many of these criminals, will one day, be back out on the streets.’
What the frik?! Umm, thanks for the sleepless night, asshole.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
I’d like to discuss for a moment, if I may, boobs. Specifically, these ones:
Holy mother of God!
Now lets pretend I’m not talking about Aretha, because it’s almost blasphemy to do so, but this titty situation must be addressed.
Do you see how that spaghetti strap is holding on for dear life? It defies the laws of physics how something so small can hold something so big. Each one of those puppies must weigh at least 20 pounds. Aretha wants R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Shit, how can you not respect someone heaving around 40 pounds worth of chest every day?
Just as I use the term ‘Olsen’ as a unit of weight measurement (based on the assumption that one Olsen twin is equal to roughly 75 pounds), I hereby christen boobs of this magnitude ‘Arethas’.
It takes a real woman to look at her fun bags (when they’re bone fide ‘Arethas’) and say to herself ‘I’m gonna forego the bra today and rock a spaghetti strap.’
For this reason, and so many more, Aretha Franklin, I salute you.
Law & Order: VFU (Void Filling Unit)
Man, I love me some Law & Order: SVU.
I have a tendency to get obsessed with certain TV shows. I’ve been obsessed with The Wire since the first season and while waiting for the latest episodes to be uploaded online, my attention has shifted to Law & Order: SVU.
I’m a fan of all the Law & Orders really. I especially like the ‘dong dong’ bell thing that signifies a new scene. I like to imagine it in my own life. Me waking up, ‘dong dong’, cut to me walking to work, ‘dong dong’ cut to me furiously tapping away on my computer. Maybe at some point, Ice T could pop up and arrest me or something.
I was into Law & Order: Criminal Intent for a while, but the main guy in that gives me the night terrors.
There’s just something about SVU. The Christopher Meloni/Mariska Hargitay combo is a winner. I like how he gets up in peoples faces and shouts during the interrogations and her, well, I just like how her hair changes every season. Though in real life, if female cops were as ridiculously good looking as she is, crime would soar ‘cause every perp would want to be arrested by her. (Do you like how I used the word ‘perp’? Yeah, I know, I’m all over this lingo).
But one of the main reasons I like SVU is seeing how characters from some of my other favorite shows pop up on there.
Christopher Meloni was on Oz, a previous obsession of mine. The priest and the crazy Nazi dude from Oz have both been on SVU as psychotherapists.
The guy who plays the judge on The Wire has appeared on SVU a couple of times. Cedric Daniels of The Wire was a doctor on SVU and also played an undercover cop on Oz. Are you following?
Maybe it’s just all about Oz withdrawals. When on earth will there be another show with excessive male frontal nudity? It’s been far too long.
I think I’ve pretty much exhausted the SVU back catalogue at this point. Those new eps of The Wire can’t get on the net fast enough.