Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
I believe my love of Idris Elba is well documented on this site, is it not? You will not find a more dedicated fan of The Wire than me. You know how much I love him? I actually paid, cash money, to see Obsessed at the cinema. Yeah, that crappy movie he did with Beyonce? Yeah, I saw that. Paid money to see it. And it clearly wasn’t for any deep-rooted love of Beyonce, lemme tell ya. So, given how much I heart Idris, why are you all standing in the way of our love?
Yeah, that’s right, I said it! You just don’t want to see us happy! When I was down in London over the weekend, I spent my friday night doing a whole bunch of nothing. I wandered around Notting Hill, stuffed my face at my favourite restaurant, caught up with a friend. All of which, I could have done without (no offense to my friend). Cut to Saturday and randomly, some of my Twitter peeps tell me that Idris was DJing/hanging out/generally looking like a fine specimen of a man at one of my favourite bars, Marketplace, the night before.
You don’t understand. I used to hang out at Marketplace so much, it may as well be called MYplace. When I left for New York, I had my leaving party there. I’ve sat at and/or danced on every table. I’ve squeezed in the booths with way too many friends. I’ve backed it up on every inch of the dance floor. So how, HOW I ask you, was I not aware that Idris Elba, my love, was gonna be there on Friday night?! This is a travesty!
Had I been informed ahead of time, I would have dug out my favourite heels and my best dress (the perfect mix of ‘class’ and ‘skank’) and strutted my way down there. I would have swayed my hips hypnotically to the beat of whatever the hell he was playing; jazz, soul, hip hop, afro-latino jazz fusion, grime, alt-rock – whatever, bring it – my booty will shake to it. I would have laughed at his jokes, leaned into him slowly, brushed up against him – hell, I would have run my full gamut of flirting tricks. And maybe, just maybe, he would have fallen for them. If not, I’m pretty sure I could have at least gotten a hug, or a picture, or escorted away by security.
So next time people, don’t try to stand in the way of the non-existent, psychotic, blossoming love between Idris and I. A phone call, a ten-minute warning, something, anything, would be appreciated. Thanks!
Thursday, December 3rd, 2009
You know me, you and Law & Order SVU go back like car seats.
I was surprised that when you got out of prison in Oz, you managed to get a job with the police department (wait, what? That was a different show? Whatever), but I’ve been rolling with you ever since. Usually I get my daily fix of you on the Hallmark channel, but sometimes they like to act up and put other, lesser cop shows on there like Without a Trace and really, who cares where all those people are disappearing to? They can stay untraceable for all I care. I need that dramatic ‘dong dong’ between the scenes of Law & Order. It syncs with my heart beat, just for you Elliot.
You know how I know I love you Elliot? Because I even forgive you when you wear denim on denim. That’s love. Though I must say, I prefer you when you’re in a shirt and tie, shirt sleeves rolled up, yelling in some perp’s face. It moves me in mysterious ways.
We need to have a chat about Olivia though. First off, she’s entirely too good looking to be on the police force. Who’s crazy idea was it to employ her and how does anyone get any work done in her presence? Anyhoo, here’s the deal; I get that you’re trying to do the whole good-Irish-catholic-husband thing, I do – but I’m gonna need you to sleep with Olivia. And this is coming from someone who forgives you wearing denim on denim, so you know this is from a place of love. I can stand the sexual tension between the two of you no more. Just get it over with already! You don’t even need to have a steamy love affair. Just a quicky is your boss’s office or something – whatever it takes to clear the air.
Granted, I may have been watching the same four seasons of Law & Order: SVU since the beginning of time, so maybe you have already been a little freaky deaky between the sheets. If so, you can ignore this whole thing.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. Until next time…keep locking up those bad guys, lover.