Tuesday, May 10th, 2011
Ahh food, glorious food. Except that I don’t find anything particularly glorious about it. Food scares me. Thinking about food scares me. Trying to eat the right foods scares me. The whole thing just stresses me out. It’s not that I eat badly. I’m not stuffing my face with cakes and chocolate. I’m just very picky, always have been, hate trying anything new, so my diet is fairly restricted and doesn’t necessarily include a lot of fruit and vegetable matter. For a 30 year old, it’s all rather pathetic really. But enough of this madness! It’s time to sort it out.
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
I have a few phobias. I’ve got the bog standard fear of spiders, but I also have some odd ones, including my now infamous fear of oranges. Recently, I’ve developed a weird intolerance to music that is driving me nuts.
I’ve always had an slight issue with noise. Specifically, things like children’s toys that play a song over and over. I can’t stand it. It’s rare that I find myself in the presence of highly irritating kid’s playthings, but if I do, I will dive across the room looking for the ‘off’ switch and if that fails, I will throw the damn thing out the window.
But recently, this has extended to music of any sort. And this is annoying, because I love music! I’m not sure how or why this has come about, but I can barely listen to anything without it driving me nuts. Part of this is because I have a thing about repetition and when I really listen, I become hyper aware that music is essentially the same four or so chords repeated throughout a song.
The other night, I was having dinner with the fam with some Bob Marley playing in the background. We were having a great conversation, but all I could hear was the music. Literally, everything else around me tuned out and all I could focus on was this repetitive bassline piercing through my soul – and not in a good way! I became very anxious and eventually had to ask for the music to be turned off – this almost got me banished from my family. I had to beg and plead: ‘No, no! I love Bob Marley! I just have this weird thing about music right now. I can’t listen to it! I’m sorry!’
A few weeks ago, my mother and I went to see Breakfast at Tiffany’s at an old movie theatre near us. It’s one of my favourite movies. I haven’t watched it for a while. Just as I was getting into watching Miss Hepburn do her thing, all I could focus on was how many times Moon River played through the movie. It’s everywhere. It’s actually pretty much the only song in the movie, just with a slightly different arrangement for different occasions. Again, I got anxious, my heart was beating super fast. I thought I would have to leave the cinema. It’s ridiculous!
And I know it’s ridiculous, yet I don’t know how to stop it or why it even started. It has eased off a little bit over the last couple of weeks. It was at its worst when I first moved back here from Canada, so I attributed it to the stress of the move. And it’s just going to get worse in the run up to Christmas, because Christmas music sucks the biggest donkey balls of all.
Well, now you all know I’m nuts. Share something nutty about yourself in the comments, just so I don’t feel like such a crazy freak. Please?
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
Some people have weird fears. Clowns, balloons, turtles, whatever. I have the bog standard fear of spiders, but to shake things up a bit, I also have a fear of oranges. It’s good to keep your fears interesting.
Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
I was watching TV the other day when an ad for a pregnancy test came on and declared it was ‘the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on’. Um, excuse me? Do people regularly pee on other types of technology? Are there leagues of women out there pissing on their iPods or something? I don’t think I would ever associate the word ‘sophisticated’ with going for a piddle either.
The voice over for the ad was done by one of those dudes who do the voices for mens razors. You know the ones with ridiculous names like the ‘Mach 3′, that stops short of saying the razor is powered by a jet engine or something.
Clearly, this ad was the brain wave of an all male advertising agency. Listen fellas, it’s a pregnancy test. A simple yes or no will suffice. Bells, whistles and jet engines are not needed.
There’s another ad for a pill to clear up your yeast infection. A woman enters her home, after what seems like a busy day. Then, all of a sudden, speech bubbles start popping out of her nether regions saying this: “$%*@!!”. So, not only are they making her pussy talk, but it’s using bad language and possibly cracking jokes. Quick poll of the ladies: ever been in the mood for laughing when you had a yeast infection? No, I didn’t think so. Or maybe her vagina was just angry, which would be more accurate. Either way, that chick now has two problems: the yeast infection and how to stop speech bubbles bursting out of her vagina and cursing up a storm when she has company over. Good luck with that.
Crazy is as crazy does
This dude in Austria apparently had a big bowl of crazy for breakfast one morning back in 1984. He kept his daughter locked in the basement for the past 24 years and fathered seven children with her.
I’ll give you a moment to get that full-body dry heave out of your system……
Back with me?
OK. So, on Sunday, he was arrested and charged with abduction, incest and abuse. Three of the children had never seen sunlight. The police said the daughter was ‘psychologically extremely disturbed’ – yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
I don’t get how something like that could go on for a quarter of a century and nobody have a clue. But I guess the only upshot of this story (if there ever could be one) is that karma will greet him in the form of prison and hopefully being anally raped on a daily basis.
If you would like a sleepless night…
One of my major fears has always been confined spaces. Elevators have been a particular problem for me. I once lived on the 7th floor of a building and not once did I get in the lift. I walked 14 flights of stairs, multiple times, daily. Yes, it took longer, but I had buns of steel. In recent years, I have become slightly better with my elevator phobia. I can get in some of the more modern ones, especially if they have mirrors, as that creates the illusion of space (and I can admire whatever wonder of fashion I happen to be donning that day). But, I made the mistake of watching this video last week and I have regressed to the ‘strictly stairs’ mentality.
This video is basically my worst nightmare. This man was trapped in an elevator in a New York City building for 41 hours. 41 hours!!! I was once trapped in an elevator in New York, but thankfully it was over in about 7 minutes (but that didn’t stop me crying like a baby).
I kid you not, I virtually had a panic attack watching this. So, if you suffer from the same fear as me, probably best not to press play. (The music alone is the stuff night terrors are made of.)