Monday, March 16th, 2009
Regular readers here will know that I live in a rather colourful area of Toronto, one that I like to call ‘Transvestite Prostitute Central.’ I am now used to the high volume of street walkers that grace my street with their thigh high boots, fishnet tights and five o’clock shadows.
During the winter months, they disappear. Rightfully so, because those temperatures will make their balls literally freeze right off (which, I would have thought is what a lot of them wanted, but hey). But, this past weekend, as I made my way home from movie night at my friend’s house, I saw Tina Turner and Jennifer Aniston (I name them based on their wig selection), trying to turn a trade on the corners. More power to them. The weather took a slightly nicer turn over the weekend, so I can’t blame them for getting back in the saddle (ugh, bad choice of words) when they get a chance.
But all this got me to thinking: during the uber cold winter months, what are they doing? House calls? Massage parlours? Drag acts? Phone sex? Enquiring minds want to know. Some of these ladies are a little worse for wear. All right, all of them are, so they can’t keep this $20 hand job business up forever. I decided to compile a list of things they can do to better occupy their time (I plan to present these to them in Oprah-esque fashion at some point in the coming months):
Work at Starbucks
Seriously, when I went in there Sunday morning to treat myself to a bacon breakfast sandwich, the guy who served me seemed to be the happiest person alive. And he works at Starbucks. He was so happy, he made me seriously question my own life choices. Now, if I were a transvestite prostitute looking to get out of the game, shouting ‘Grande Mild’ all day might just be the way forward. At some point I will go back to that Starbucks and ask that guy if he was so happy because he loves his job, or if he had, in fact, been hitting the pipe moments earlier.
Working in a beauty shop
The ‘ladies’ on my street clearly like to (try) to make themselves pretty (unsuccessfully). Doing mani/pedis and waxing eyebrows on other people, may just help them get a better grasp on the look they are trying to achieve.
Mach 3 demonstration person
Again, on account of the amount of 5 o’clock shadows I see, demonstrating how to use a powerful man’s razor might underline the importance of shaving your face when trying to look like a woman.
Become a ‘Real World’ cast member
Right now, they have a post-op transsexual on there. If they threw a transvestite prostitute in the mix, it would clearly be more exciting.
Become a TTC worker
According to the stats, Toronto’s transit employees get attacked pretty regularly (most of the time they probably deserved it, because being a complete asshole is a job requirement). If they had transvestite prostitutes running shit, attacks would go down. Why? Because no one argues with someone wearing eye shadow, blush and a beard. That’s why. It’s all just too intriguing to get angry about.
Monday, April 28th, 2008
The race hasn’t even really started yet because the Democrats are still bickering about who the nominee should be. I think at this point, it would be perfectly acceptable to get Hillary and Obama in a room and do a bit of ‘eenie, meenie, miny, moe’. Or how about ‘rock, paper, scissors’? It’s quick, it’s effective and, as school children everywhere can attest, it’s fair. How many conflicts could be resolved with the words ‘I’m sorry, paper covers rock. You’re out’? There’s no arguing with that shit.
But instead, we’re treated to painful months of drawn out debate after debate and vote after vote. I live in Canada for Christ’s sake! The upcoming election has shit all to do with me or my country, yet I can’t escape it on the nightly news. I feel that since America likes to involve itself in the business of other countries so much, the residents of those countries should be allowed to have a say in which jack ass gets the right to bomb the crap out of them. Had that been allowed, the monumental fuck up that is Dubya, could have been avoided for the past eight years. But I digress.
Now, both candidates seem like shadows of their former selves, when you compare them to their rhetoric at the beginning of the race. I specifically remember Hillary talking about how important it was to be humble. Now she might as well walk around wearing a T Shirt that says ‘I am the shit’. And Barack had sworn not to fight dirty and focus on the issues, but it seems whenever Hillary throws one of her bitch fits, Obama can’t help slinging mud pies back at her. But hey, they’re politicians and part of the job requirement is to be full of shit.
So, America, just as I offered to settle the inquest into Diana’s death a while back, I hereby offer my services to you. For a tidy sum, I will get Hillary and Barack in a room and bang their heads together until one of them admits defeat.
Though, if I happen to be otherwise engaged when you need me to do this, may I suggest a worthy alternative: Mr Jeremy Paxman.
If you are unfamiliar with the work of Paxman, you’ll thank me for bringing his wonder into your life. Better late than never, my friends.
As the US election spirals out of control, Paxman is the only person that can clear this whole mess up. One thing I’ve noticed about American political commentators, is that they’ll slug it out with each other, but when it comes to asking the politicians questions, they basically pussy out and don’t take them to task. Well, not the very British Paxman! Oh hell no! He will get all up and in your face till he gets an answer and don’t even bother trying to avoid it, because homeboy ain’t gonna let it drop.
I present to you, Exhibit A:
So Americans, ask yourselves this: do you really need those other states to vote, or do you just need Paxman to get in there and end this thing swiftly? Don’t spend too long thinking about it – clearly The Paxman doesn’t like to be kept waiting.
Hey, TTC workers…
Go fuck yourselves. Seriously. You are a bunch of whiny bitches, and from my days of throwing hissy fits, I can tell you, no one likes a whiny bitch.
Walking off the job on Friday night, without warning, leaving thousands of people stranded, is not cool.
This is all about you not receiving full pay, if you have to be off work as a result of being assaulted on the job. I actually agree with you, you should get full pay for that. But here’s a little news flash; ask anyone who works in the public domain, from servers, to retails clerks and I’m sure they’ll all be able to tell you a personal tale of abuse on the job. The only difference is, they don’t get almost $30 an hour like you, they’re not protected by a union and they don’t have the nice cushy benefits either. So, stop frikkin’ whining!
Did it ever occur to you that walking off the job on a friday night, probably only serves to increase your risk of being assaulted at work? I don’t mind telling you, I would relish the chance to be first in line this morning to give every last one of you a good bitch slapping.
So, in fairness, when you take your lazy, overpaid, whining asses back to work today, I think it’s only fair that we don’t pay fares for a while. I mean, you did pretty much fuck up everyone’s weekend. And anyone who had to take a cab as a result of your impromptu tantrum, should present their receipts to one of you friendly overpaid TTC drivers and be reimbursed.
Just grow up fellas. The city is sick of your antics already.
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
It’s so childishly ridiculous. At what point in life does striking become the appropriate response to a problem? When you’re a kid and you ask your parents for more pocket money, they tell you to shut the fuck up and go to your room. That’s what should happen to people who threaten to strike (unless of course, you’re those divas in the picture above, in which case, I say, rock on sisters, rock on).
Last week the public transportation workers in Toronto (the TTC), were threatening to strike. Those buggers are ridiculously overpaid as it is. I don’t know how much they think they deserve for twiddling a few knobs to drive the train (I’m pretty sure ‘twiddling knobs’ is the technical term), but apparently the $30 an hour (or something ridiculous like that) isn’t enough. So, like really mature professional people do, they threw their teddies out of their prams and stomped around having tantrums. Because they’re not getting what they want, the million plus people who use the system every day should have to suffer. Luckily, someone bitch slapped some sense into them last minute and they didn’t go through with it. Bloody good thing too – I would not have enjoyed that multi-mile hike to work (in heels bitches!).
Then there’s news from Blighty this week that teachers are threatening to strike. For Christ’s sake – one look at that bit of hate mail I got last week and it’s clear to see that the British educational system can’t afford any time off. Plus, these discussions about whether or not to strike are taking place during a holuday, so it may turn out that the first day back at school, everyone gets sent home. I’m sure parents are thrilled about that. They’ve been waiting for two weeks to pry those buggers off their Playstations and get them back to class, now having to actually put up with them at home some more is probably sending them over the edge.
So for the sake of parents’ sanity and public transit users feet – people who work in those kind of jobs should really find a more reasonable way to deal with their issues, learn the dance of give and take, come together as one and unite or, you know, just shut the fuck up and go to their rooms.