Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
Dear Designers, the ’80s sucked balls the first time around. In the name of Knot’s Landing, can you come up with an original idea? Shoulder pads? Really? Shoulder pads? As a girl with enough shoulders, I take extreme offense to this entire trend. I’ll look like a line backer if I wear half of this shit. It’s not cute. Oh sure, the size zero models you design for could use a little extra shape, but anyone over a size four will look like Shamoo. And in case you didn’t get the memo, we women who are size eight and above, kinda run shit, so you might want to take that into account.
I’ve seen a couple of girls out and about trying to rock this hyper-blushed trend. At first, I thought they were bringing awareness to the issue of domestic violence until I realised they were trying to pull of a ‘look’. This reminds me of when my grandma used to smear red lipstick on her cheeks and rub it in. That looked much better than whatever this ‘trend’ is trying to be. I thought the purpose of blusher was to bring ‘a little’ colour to your cheeks. This makes you look like you’re either extremely embarrassed or just finished a round of fisticuffs.
Ahh nice, yet another look that’s been done to death. A little zebra or leopard print on shoes or a handbag is fine, but throw on a whole dress of it and you look like a tacky pub landlady or someone with an extreme gambling problem, or both. Unless of course, it’s a costume party and you’re going as a drunken cougar, then it’s totally acceptable.
Whew – here’s hoping Spring 2010 brings more exciting things.
Monday, June 1st, 2009
Someone really needs to have a word with American Apparel. This whole ‘assless tights’ phenomenon is guaranteed to send me on an unstoppable bitch slapping frenzy.
Have you seen this crap? Who in the name of all things right and good is wearing this bollocks? I must meet these people post haste and discuss at which point their life went down the shitter.
I really don’t want my ass out there flapping in the breeze. So, you wear this with a skirt on a windy day – one gust and the whole world is exposed to this madness? Come on – be fair to the citizens of earth and just wear regular tights.
Look at the model’s face in the ad. You can tell she’s having an internal debate about how badly she needs this pay cheque. Well congratulations bitch! You can buy all the 8 balls you want now. In the words of the immortal Rick James ‘cocaine is one helluva drug.’ (For the record, I have no evidence that this chick is an addict of any sort, but seriously, to be in this ad, you pretty much have to be a crackhead.)
Advice of the day: Friends don’t let friends shop at American Apparel.
Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
I’m not all the way sure what her deal is, so this is more of a preemptive strike. I sense I will have enough of her in the very near future, so she may as well stop now. While I respect that she’s ‘out there’ and going against the grain and pushing the fashion boundaries and all that bollocks, it all seems a bit forced and fake and well, made for 18 year old girls who work at American Apparel to drool to. I also dislike that she enjoys being in public wearing just a leotard. If she starts a trend with that shit, I don’t think I could handle it. I really need for people to wear pants.
Somewhere in the world right now, DJ Kool Herc, Grandmaster Flash, Big Daddy Kane and numerous others are banging their heads against walls wondering how the hell this dip shit has risen from obscurity to make some of the worst trash to ever hit the airwaves. This new generation of rappers can go to hell. With their crazy dances and their radio jingle hits. I will personally be first in line to slap some sense into every 14 year old who has bought this fool’s record. And I’ll slap their mothers too. Yeah, I said it.
What’s that? Eminem is back on the scene? Oh, I must have missed that due to me not giving a shit. From the come back single, it sounds like the same old, same old. Maybe he should just stick to producing. It’s not even so much him releasing music that bothers me. It’s that it must be accompanied by his visual. And God damn! What the hell happened to his face? Seriously. I mean, he was never the best looking dude, but um, something looks a little off. And frankly, it scares me. I’m gonna need for him to get that fixed before attempting to be in the public eye again.
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
Ladies, please, this is not cute. Any woman with tattoos on her upper arms, forearms, neck, shoulders, legs or anywhere else obvious looks like she just got out of prison. And they’re never small, subtle tattoos. They’re giant inked cliches. A Rose? Really? A heart with an arrow through it? Yawn. Bitch please. Whenever I see a girl with a tattoo on her upper arm, I assume a defensive stance and prepare to block a choke hold – because you just know chicks with those tattoos want to fight. (In case you were wondering, the technical term for that defensive stance is the ‘Back the Fuck Up’).
You’ve got to know when to stop. What’s next? Tatooing your face, like Lil Wayne? Plus, you are kind of limiting your career options to only ever working in a tattoo parlour. Or a biker bar.
If you have a tongue piercing, let me clear up what every person you’ve ever spoken to has been thinking: they’re having an internal dialogue with themselves about the different ways they can rip that shit out of your mouth. It’s so intensely off putting. Scarily, I think girls with tongue piercings think they’re sexy. Our survey says? HELL NO!
I can’t stand plastic fingers (AKA acrylic nails). When the manicurist is doing that, they wear a frikkin’ surgical mask – that alone should tell you that shit isn’t healthy. But more annoying than the myriad of spray painted colours people tend to get splurged all over them, is the french manicure. Is it just me, or do chicks with acrylic french manicured nails make more elaborate hand movements for everything. Flaunting their nails around here, there and everywhere. To those ladies I’d like to say: They’re not your nails! I don’t care if you paid $35 for some asian dude with a surgical mask to super glue those shits on. It’s tacky. Stop it.
Sunday, January 25th, 2009
Monday, December 1st, 2008
At a movie theatre in downtown Toronto on Sunday, as I was waiting for friends, I saw a girl in line for tickets. I did a double take. I think she forgot to get dressed. She was wearing a beat up hoodie, pajama pants and crocs. I’m gonna say that again so you can get the full visual (I tried to take a picture, but my camera exploded – it, rightfully, thought that this particular fashion faux pas should not be recorded for the rest of time): beat up hoodie, pajama pants, crocs. Did you just throw up in your mouth a little bit too? Yeah, try seeing it first hand, homeslice.
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
I get it, it’s all cutesy and shit. And it’s nice to show the world that this is your guy/girl. But do you think you could let go of your vice-like grip of each other when someone is trying to get past you on the sidewalk? You know that if you let go, that doesn’t necessarily mean your man is leaving you, right? It’ll just be for two seconds, I promise. Because while you’re all in love, on cloud nine and all that bollocks, the rest of us have shit to do. I don’t have time to tap dance around you, just because you’re desperate to prove that someone finds your lovable. Merry frikkin’ Christmas. That’s awesome. Now, move! Untangle your fingers, step a few centimetres away from each other, let regular, loveless, godless, busy humans get past you, then you can get right back to your love fest.
There’s a time and a place for full on facial suction. On a train platform during rush hour is not it. And really what’s the point? Licking each others faces is going to lead to some inappropriate touching of various body parts, which will only lead to one thing and since we don’t live in the red light district in Amsterdam, you need to cut that shit out. A peck is fine, but if it lasts longer than three seconds, it gets uncomfortable. If it last more than 20 seconds it’s just perverse. Especially if you’re ugly. I think I speak for everyone in society when I say, we’d appreciate it if you kept your ugly sex to yourselves. That kind of stuff should only happen behind closed doors. Now, with that said, go find a door and frikkin’ CLOSE IT!
Eating Each Other for Dinner
You made the decision to go out to dinner. Can you at least try to focus on the food? You’ll be out for an hour and a half, two hours, max, then you can rush right home and devour each other. But while at the restaurant, your insistence on feeling each other up, feeding each other food and sucking on the ends of spaghetti until you meet in the middle makes me want to punch the both of you in the face. Plus, I really did come out to eat and you’re making me lose my appetite. If his hand’s not around the back of her chair, her hand’s rubbing his thigh. If he’s not playing with her hair, she’s feeding him some of her ice cream, trying to look seductive. Jesus, people! Next time, please, do everyone a favour and order take out. Your love of the PDA is just nauseating.