Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
Ladies, please, this is not cute. Any woman with tattoos on her upper arms, forearms, neck, shoulders, legs or anywhere else obvious looks like she just got out of prison. And they’re never small, subtle tattoos. They’re giant inked cliches. A Rose? Really? A heart with an arrow through it? Yawn. Bitch please. Whenever I see a girl with a tattoo on her upper arm, I assume a defensive stance and prepare to block a choke hold – because you just know chicks with those tattoos want to fight. (In case you were wondering, the technical term for that defensive stance is the ‘Back the Fuck Up’).
You’ve got to know when to stop. What’s next? Tatooing your face, like Lil Wayne? Plus, you are kind of limiting your career options to only ever working in a tattoo parlour. Or a biker bar.
If you have a tongue piercing, let me clear up what every person you’ve ever spoken to has been thinking: they’re having an internal dialogue with themselves about the different ways they can rip that shit out of your mouth. It’s so intensely off putting. Scarily, I think girls with tongue piercings think they’re sexy. Our survey says? HELL NO!
I can’t stand plastic fingers (AKA acrylic nails). When the manicurist is doing that, they wear a frikkin’ surgical mask – that alone should tell you that shit isn’t healthy. But more annoying than the myriad of spray painted colours people tend to get splurged all over them, is the french manicure. Is it just me, or do chicks with acrylic french manicured nails make more elaborate hand movements for everything. Flaunting their nails around here, there and everywhere. To those ladies I’d like to say: They’re not your nails! I don’t care if you paid $35 for some asian dude with a surgical mask to super glue those shits on. It’s tacky. Stop it.