Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
I was watching TV the other day when an ad for a pregnancy test came on and declared it was ‘the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on’. Um, excuse me? Do people regularly pee on other types of technology? Are there leagues of women out there pissing on their iPods or something? I don’t think I would ever associate the word ‘sophisticated’ with going for a piddle either.
The voice over for the ad was done by one of those dudes who do the voices for mens razors. You know the ones with ridiculous names like the ‘Mach 3′, that stops short of saying the razor is powered by a jet engine or something.
Clearly, this ad was the brain wave of an all male advertising agency. Listen fellas, it’s a pregnancy test. A simple yes or no will suffice. Bells, whistles and jet engines are not needed.
There’s another ad for a pill to clear up your yeast infection. A woman enters her home, after what seems like a busy day. Then, all of a sudden, speech bubbles start popping out of her nether regions saying this: “$%*@!!”. So, not only are they making her pussy talk, but it’s using bad language and possibly cracking jokes. Quick poll of the ladies: ever been in the mood for laughing when you had a yeast infection? No, I didn’t think so. Or maybe her vagina was just angry, which would be more accurate. Either way, that chick now has two problems: the yeast infection and how to stop speech bubbles bursting out of her vagina and cursing up a storm when she has company over. Good luck with that.
Crazy is as crazy does
This dude in Austria apparently had a big bowl of crazy for breakfast one morning back in 1984. He kept his daughter locked in the basement for the past 24 years and fathered seven children with her.
I’ll give you a moment to get that full-body dry heave out of your system……
Back with me?
OK. So, on Sunday, he was arrested and charged with abduction, incest and abuse. Three of the children had never seen sunlight. The police said the daughter was ‘psychologically extremely disturbed’ – yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
I don’t get how something like that could go on for a quarter of a century and nobody have a clue. But I guess the only upshot of this story (if there ever could be one) is that karma will greet him in the form of prison and hopefully being anally raped on a daily basis.
If you would like a sleepless night…
One of my major fears has always been confined spaces. Elevators have been a particular problem for me. I once lived on the 7th floor of a building and not once did I get in the lift. I walked 14 flights of stairs, multiple times, daily. Yes, it took longer, but I had buns of steel. In recent years, I have become slightly better with my elevator phobia. I can get in some of the more modern ones, especially if they have mirrors, as that creates the illusion of space (and I can admire whatever wonder of fashion I happen to be donning that day). But, I made the mistake of watching this video last week and I have regressed to the ‘strictly stairs’ mentality.
This video is basically my worst nightmare. This man was trapped in an elevator in a New York City building for 41 hours. 41 hours!!! I was once trapped in an elevator in New York, but thankfully it was over in about 7 minutes (but that didn’t stop me crying like a baby).
I kid you not, I virtually had a panic attack watching this. So, if you suffer from the same fear as me, probably best not to press play. (The music alone is the stuff night terrors are made of.)